What I know

Some Stuff I Know for Certain

-          Pantyhose were created by men. Tights are a whole different animal, but pantyhose were for sure created by a dude. Chaffing and itchy yeast-inducing little sausage casings. You can say that they make your legs look better; sleeker and more elegant, and I’ll remind you of that when you pull your ham hocks out of those bitches and your things spill out and tears of joy form in the corners of your eyes. It’s damn near orgasmic. Your toes uncurl and an hour later when the indentation from the seam is gone from your belly you’ll vow never to do it to yourself again – until next month when you attend your cousin Beth’s wedding.

-          Trading clothing is only cool in one direction.  It’s hot when you come home and your women is wearing your t-shirt and maybe nothing else, am I right guys? Maybe she pulls a Julia Roberts from pretty woman and is sporting one of your neck ties. SUPER hot!!! Not so when you decide to try on her bathrobe. If I come home and my man is sitting at the table in my bra and panties, we have a lot to talk about – or maybe nothing at all.

-          If a woman (me…I mean me) repeats herself, it means she doesn’t think she’s being heard. PAY ATTENTION!! STOP WHATEVER THE HELL YOU ARE DOING AND PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION. This is universal ya’ll; it really doesn’t matter if I am speaking to a man or another woman, if I find myself repeating myself over and over I will either lose interest in the conversation or in you and the latter is more likely if we’re playing the long game. Besides, it’s just rude.

-           When you’re at the grocery store and you have more than 15 items and you stay in the express lane knowingly, a kitten somewhere dies. It’s a fact. Now that you know this, stop being a douchebag, we all have somewhere else we’d rather be and Mittens doesn’t want to die.

-          When your child throws a tantrum in public and you get angry, lose your shit, and either hit your child, demean your child or otherwise abuse your child; you’re the asshole. Don’t blame your child for the behavior with shit statements like “look what you made me do,” That’s some Taylor Swift shit and I’m not having it. You are responsible for how your child behaves. You are the adult and the one capable of controlling your emotions. And so help me God, the next time I see a parent raise their hand to strike their child in public I will single handedly dismantle their self-esteem in 3 minutes or less [I like to draw things out – for my pleasure]

-          Cats are assholes. This is not newsworthy, but bears repeating. That’s all I have to say on this matter.

-          Take and Bake pizza is overpriced. It would seem to me that if I am going to a location to pick up said pizza - expending my fuel to do so, then returning home to cook that same pizza, utilizing my utilities; shouldn’t it be less expensive than similarly marketed pizzas? Why am I paying roughly the same price to drive all over creation wasting gas and electricity and still do all the work??? Someone please help me with this logic…

-          My mother makes better sandwiches than yours does. Case closed.

-          They say opposites attract. Bullshit. It’s been my experience that when I meet someone that is a polar opposite I am constantly wondering why this person is allowed to occupy space and take up the oxygen supply around me. If someone is my polar opposite, that is to say they are likely to be an intolerant asshole.  I don’t want to spend time with them, much less be attracted to them. Take a moment to think of someone that is the exact opposite of you? Do you want to sleep with that person? Do you want to spend hours deep in conversation with that person? Can you build a future with that human?? Probably not because you have jack shit in common. That’s just some shit we say to people to make them feel better about being nearly 40 or 50 and still single. Guess what? Being single isn’t terrible. Diagonal sleeping kicks ass!!

-          Fried anything tastes delicious you just have to be willing to pay the price for it. Then again, if you’re sleeping diagonally in a bed with just your cats and a refrigerator full of moms sandwiches and take and bake pizzas, who the fuck cares. Life is short, do what makes you happy.

-          Dancing is good for your soul. Who cares if you look like one of Jim Henson’s Muppets, dance! Dance often and dance hard – life is short, make the most of the time you have. Sing out loud, play air drums, puddle jump as often as you can. We have very few years as children; there is so much innocence in those years. Some of us never get to experience them – for those folks, I am deeply sorry. I make my happiness – you can too. Manufactured joy. Joy Inc. I think I’m on to something….

-          We are all misfit toys. None of us is perfect. That girl in Home Economics that you thought had it all together is at home with a high school education raising three kids now and has a husband that beats her. That fat kid you picked on in college is CEO of a major pharmaceutical company and thriving. The Hispanic girl in 2^nd grade whose name you couldn’t pronounce is a Dr. now and working on her tenure application. The Captain of the football team committed suicide because he couldn’t battle the demons he was facing anymore. Before you open your mouth, think. I crack jokes and make fun, but usually at my own expense first. I never know what another human being is going through and neither do you. Show compassion. Be compassion.  

That’s about all I know.