A nose like Roxanne

I want a bigger nose. I want an extravagant nose – a nose with its own zip code. I want a nose like Steve Martin had in Roxanne. I’m incapable of sniffing bullshit upon approach with the current model and I’m hoping that the upgrade will help cut down on my interactions with dick-noses and twat-waffles. Remains to be seen but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Drawbacks:

Ridicule – obviously, but it will give me good practice at witty comebacks too. I do love a good challenge, and the chance at making someone cry is always worth the effort.

Heightened sense of smell – Ever used a Porto-Potty at the Renaissance Faire in the dead heat of summer? Ever had to use a public restroom in virtually any bar in any city – ever?? Yep, you now have super human sniffing powers. You know what the guy two restaurants away had for lunch…two weeks ago! Good luck with that shit. (literally)

Sunglasses – I would think that with that much nose, finding the right pair of sunglasses would be a pain in the ass too. Is it like buying jeans? Do you need to find the right size and shape frame to go with your nose?  I can just see myself at the counter now trying on countless pairs and getting discouraged and finally outraged. Taking them off the slamming them on the glass case cursing my shapely nose. “It’s ok baby, you’re just too much nose for those glasses to handle. We’ll find you a pair that understands your needs, that can hug you in all the right places and support you. You deserve that.” Positive affirmations – that shits important; this much I’ve learned.

That’s about all I got on the list of “Why I shouldn’t go under the knife” if it will help ensure, or at least cut down, on the number of asswipes in my life. Maybe I could have lightbulb installed. An asshole detecting lightbulb. Like the Operation game! Any time I am in the vicinity of a known jackass my nose will glow; and depending on the measure or expanse of your douchery the light may glow dim to burning red. If it actually honks at you, I just kill you on the spot as a favor to mankind. You are obviously a blight and must me snuffed. It’s just how it works. I don’t make the rules; I just play by them. It’s all there in the pamphlet. Ages 12 and up. Parental supervision suggested for ages 16 and under.

Oh Christina, you’re so melodramatic. Yeah, and??? You say that shit like it’s not entertaining. Listen, I do the best that I can with the poor coping skills and dark sense of humor that I have. Honestly, you’re lucky I have the modicum of decency that I do at this point or I’d be name dropping and calling people out on the carpet. The reality is that I have a part in all of this bullshit too. We’re not going to pay attention to that though. I guess I’ve just felt really mislead lately. Hansel and Gretel were for sure pissed off when they got to that witch’s house and that hoe tried to cook them. That’s how I’ve been feeling. I have people in my life that have done me wrong [someone please start singing some blues in the background] lately and I’m battling the urge to start car fires and damage other personal property. Voodoo doll making is still a thing though - I have workshops Tuesdays from 6-7pm. Hit me up if you’re interested.

I’m so good at seeing through shit where others are concerned. I can see that shit from 4 football fields away. Why am I always the last to see it when it’s in my backyard? Fools are walking out of my house with my personal belongings [analogy] and I’m like “Yo, that’s my panini press!” I am always the last person to see the true nature of someone’s intentions or character. I want to believe that you/she/he/they are not complete scum buckets, but you/he/she/they just fucking stole my panini press. I have friends [2 – I have 2 friends] that approach me with situations they’re going through and it’s so easy for me to see the inner workings and manipulations at play. Why do I let myself get played like a chump? Let’s pretend for a second that I have a good and kind heart and that I believe in the goodness of humans. You with me so far? Pretend. Good heart. Faith in humanity. At a certain point I still have to wise up and tired of getting burned right? There is a limit to how many times you can repeat the same tests before you memorize that shit and ace it, right? Not so with me.

And so it was that I found myself this morning contemplating cosmetic surgery. I was in the shower and I think it started when I was thinking about my boobs and whether or not I would really want to get them enlarged. Running would be harder to do, my wardrobe would have to change [I hate shopping and spending money even more than the actual shopping] and come summer time they would just collect sweat under them. I’m real picky about where I collect pools of sweat. So it became “functional cosmetic surgery,” which really only left me with one option. The Operation-Super-Huge-Glowing-Asshole-Detector-Nose! Secretly you know you’d get one too. I thought about hair extensions and thickening but again, summer and sweat and heat…blah, blah, blah. The nose serves a purpose in freeing my life of duplicitous fuckers and hopefully I get my panini press back too.

If this works, I’ll keep everyone posted. We could have a society of olfactory enhanced peoples. If not, it will be a fun experiment and give me good practice at snappy comebacks and counter attacks on the very personal level. Disassemble you in 30 seconds or less; that’s my goal.