1)
I’m always just cranky enough to fly under the
radar. There is no such thing as a violent mood swing with me; I make sure to
have these at least once or twice a day. My thinking here is that if this is
the norm and they are prepared and understand that this is typical behavior for
me, they will cease and desist with stupid questions like “are you ok?” and “are
things cool at home?” I really like it when they say shit like “We’ll pray for
you” No, please don’t pray for me. Instead, how about you give me more money? Shoes
would help this. Shoes, sunglasses, a pair of good butt jeans and maybe a Slurpee.
I think it’s important to stay even-keeled at your place of employment. I didn’t
say that temperament had to balanced and well-adjusted, just even-keeled. While
I’m thinking about it, yes, please pray for me. I can use all the help this
dirty soul can get.
2)
I always order enough supplies. This shit isn’t
on my dime so I like to make sure that when I order, I am doing so with the forethought
that I will be taking home some toilet paper and hand soap at some point.
Coffee filters and copier paper too if I’m being real with you guys. I can’t
have the supply levels here at the office dropping because I’m too lazy and
poor to shop for myself; what kind of Office Manager would I be if I let that
shit happen? Ok, there was the one time (or three) that Tim had to use paper
towels for coffee filters here because we were out and I hadn’t yet placed an
order, but fuck that dude! He’s nasty and pisses all over the place. YOU HAVE
YOUR OWN RESTROOM, QUIT PISSING IN MINE!! I’m not above leaving tampons in your
office dude, try me. Model employee…
3)
Friendly phone demeanor. I am totally capable of
being spoon fed hot piles of shit over the phone without retaliation. Across the wires it is so easy to pump up
your feathers and tear someone down. I know, I do it all the time when I’m not
here and my paycheck and depends on how well I can hold my tongue. Whether I
eat chicken or Ramen for weeks on end is contingent on whether or not I can
keep a straight face when you ask me some absurd shit and then talk to me like
I’m a toddler or say some rhetorical shit and wait for an actual answer. I’ve
gotten really good at this. I’m also missing my pinky finger on my right hand
from gnawing it off in an effort to stop myself from telling you to FUCK OFF and
have broken the toes on my feet at least twice on each side from kicking my
desk. Ok, I still have my pinky and I only broke my toe once, but believe that
I put the fucking phone on mute and bang the hell out of the receiver while
swearing to anyone and everyone who will listen about what a twat you are.
Model employee…
4)
Grace and dignity. On any given day there is a
good chance that I will fall and hurt myself. Entertainment for the whole
office! To date I have had a filing cabinet fall on top of me. As it turns out,
you can have one drawer open at a time and preferably not the ones at the top. Then
there was the time I got my dress caught underneath my chair and tore the crap
out of it. I’d like to say it repairable and that it wasn’t a disaster. It was
a hot mess and I had to go home. FML! Making matters worse was the fact that I
was in an emotionally fragile time of the month and it was my favorite dress. I’d
had that dress for years. I felt like a pretty, pretty princess in that bitch.
I went from being very sad about my beloved dress to being very pissed off
about it…very publicly. Not a woman in sight where I work. All men. All very
confused. I’m swearing and throwing paper around my desk with tears forming in
my eyes and trying to gather the hem of my dress around my legs so as not to
expose myself all the while fighting the urge to yell at Mike and Kevin “What
the fuck are you looking at?!?!?!” Model employee…
*so many more examples, so little
ego to spare*
5)
OCD – Not only can I not handle my desk being
out of order, but your shit being messy fucks with me too. I am also not your
mother. CLEAN YOUR SHIT UP! Or don’t that’s fine too - just gives me another
reason to bitch, complain, take shit upon myself to do and then ultimately ask
for a raise. Maybe I ought to master the art of filing stuff without having to
recite the alphabet out loud to myself before insisting on this raise. I have
things pretty cushy where I work. I get to do this stuff (writing ad nauseam) while
on the clock (technically getting paid?) AND I get to make a group of men
uncomfortable at least two weeks out of every month? I’d say I’ve got things
pretty good. So I work with slobs, should that get me down? Nah…I’ve got OCD issues;
I can use that to my advantage too. I’ll just sneak around and move things
slightly here and there. I’ll put things “away” and they’ll never figure that shit
out. “Hey, where’s the tape measure??” *Me: shrugs shoulders* Model employee…
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