*The first modern bra was
patented by the German Christine Hardt in 1889 and developed for mass
production by Sigmund Lindauer from Stuttgart-Bad Cannstatt, Germany in 1912
and patented in 1913. In 1910, Mary Phelps Jacob (known later in life as Caresse
Crosby), saw that this design was uncomfortable and failed miserably where
evening dresses were concerned; the whalebone visibly poked out around her
plunging neckline and from under the sheer fabric. She worked on a new design
and in 1914 the U.S. Patent office issued the first U.S. Patent.* What’s your point Christina? My point is this: we’ve
been doing this shit for a long time now and designs have evolved as tastes
have changed. We have a veritable smorgasbord of boobie holsters, why the fuck
don’t we have one yet where underwire malfunction is a non-issue???
*Thanks Wikipedia for letting me twist shit
up a bit
I don’t have gargantuan boobs; far from it.
There should be no reason that my bras buckle under the stress of holding up my
girls. If I had something warranting the creation of stress fractures in my
undergarments over time, I would understand, but that’s so far from the truth
it’s comedic. I’m the girl in the supermarket that people are handing tissue
and water balloons to. At first it was confusing; it’s winter, so the tissue
made sense. Thank
you, that’s so kind of you to think of me and my runny nose, but what is this
water balloon for? Suddenly it
clicked – I’m supposed to stuff my bra, and now I’m 15 years old again back in
high school. Asshole, go eat a dick.
Ladies, I know you feel me on this one.
Last time I checked, I was not a tailor by profession. ‘Seamstress’ is not on my fucking resume anywhere.
Also, the older I get, the harder it is to thread a damn needle. The last time
I tried focusing that hard on anything with one eye closed I was at the bar
trying to determine if the guy I was chatting up was “real-life” attractive or
just “Gin and Tonic” attractive. Am I capable of sewing? You bet your sweet ass
I am! Should I have to if I’m paying $25 to hold up some ‘barely there’ flaps
of flesh just so that I don’t embarrass myself in public or make it
uncomfortable for you by going braless? Fuck no! By the way, it is embarrassing when you go out in
public braless, ladies. I don’t give a fuck how pristine you think your tits
are. Unless you’re in the movies [being generous here] you should always keep
those bitches on lockdown. No one has ever said anything to you before because
we don’t know how. What the hell are we supposed to say? “Miss, I’m sorry,
but can you please put those sandbags away? I want to eat this week, and I can’t
unsee you.” Alternately, if you have an amazing rack, still keep those
bitches on lockdown. Thank you – from the rest of us that don’t.
Now that I’ve beaten this piñata to death,
I think it’s clear what I need to do to remedy this situation. It’s clear that I
need to write both NASA and Tony Stark and plead my case. We ladies need a new
tata tarp design. NASA will be sure to create something lightweight, durable,
and aerodynamic - you know, for when you need to fly; as we all do. Tony Stark
will deliver a prototype with all the bells, whistles, and missile launchers.
They’ll cost slightly more, but worth it in my opinion. Pepper Potts is my in with Stark. If I can appeal to her, I
know I’ll have his attention, but I haven’t thought this out at all. Not. At.
All.
Oh the twisted places my brain takes me…
On that note… I’m thinking I’d be really
great at giving advice. If you have a question you’d like me to address please
submit your inquiry to rantsandswears@gmail.com
This will be like a fucked up version of Dear Abby. Dear Tina will offer video
blog answers to your real questions. I already regret this. Who am I kidding?
This could be epic! This could also be a complete train-wreck. It’s so
exciting. Fuck all, let’s just see what happens.
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