Alright, I want to clue you guys in on a couple of things. I’ve
had to question some shit lately. I’ve run into some stuff that’s really given
me some legit concern for you people. I don’t qualify because I would never in
a million fucking years partake.
I’m out shopping earlier this week and I run across these
potato chips called ‘Turkey and Stuffing’ and their counterpart ‘Pumpkin Pie’.
It’s not the first time that I have heard of this nastiness. The first time I remember
hearing about it was a commercial for Trader Joe’s advertising their brand,
called ‘Thanksgiving Leftovers’. I’ll
admit that there was a smidge of curiosity about what these little MSG bombs
might taste like, but it ended there. A fleeting moment of weakness where I succumbed
to the white trash side of myself that comes out every once in a while; the one
that tells me that a flocked Christmas tree is fancy and canned ham for the
holidays is the same as spiral cut as long as you put the pineapple rings on
top with cherries and cloves in it.
I began to think about where to draw the line with these
chips. How many times can you eat these before actually shaming yourself into
hiding? The answer is once. I’m a scientific gal - I’m a fan of research and
development, and I often say that I’ll try anything once [applies to food and
most sports only, don’t get disgusting ya freaks] so, with that in mind, it
seems fair to be open minded about these diabetes inducing trailer park ninja
stars. I’m not going anywhere near them, that’s not where I’m going with this.
I’m certain that eating one serving will knock 12 years off my life expectancy and
I want to be around to see acid washed jeans make a comeback. Once they do, you
can be sure to find me on my front porch in those jeans eating a bag of Turkey
Stuffing chips and sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon through a straw that will be
resting comfortably in the space where my bottom four teeth should be. I might
even be sporting a side pony tail, you just never know.
Walking around the grounds at my new condo complex I was
tickled to find a sign affixed to the pool gate that basically stated that if
you had the runs in the last two weeks, your filthy ass couldn’t be in the
pool. Where do I even begin? Clearly it happened at some point or it wouldn’t
be a rule, right? Wonder how that went down. I would have loved to have been there
for that one. Sure, it’s fucking nasty, but it’s also a pool and it’s got a lot
of room to disperse. People freak the hell out and go ape shit. Pun was
unintentional there and I almost went back and deleted it, but decided against
it. We are, in fact, talking about shit. Can you picture the faces of horrified
parents grabbing their children and screeching [maybe even puking] indignant,
like their child has never shit their diapers in public and stunk up a restaurant?
As if somehow we don’t know that they
too pee in the pool all the goddamn time?? The next thought I had though was:
is there a booty police? Who monitors the rawness of your anus before entering
the pool? Do we have to swear on the Bible that we haven’t had diarrhea within the
last two weeks or on the souls of loved ones? I’m for real curious. Is it just
an honor system?
I have never claimed to be a balanced individual – these are
just the things that swim around in my head. If you eat the above mentioned
chips more than once, which should be purely out of curiosity, you are part of
the problem. If you shit in pools, you are the problem! I’ll leave you with one
last thought. I was talking with a friend about what would happen in the event
a pool should “accidentally” fill with shit. I’m grabbing the snorkel gear and
going for everyone’s ankles. That’s my shade of crazy. Have a nice night folks.
Thanks for reading.
We are Mexican white rash. You’re welcome. Turkey, rice and beans, canned ham w/said garnishes, and Stevens mashed potatoes. Christmas is a Vicki’s, but everybody and grandma n Aubrey will be there. We do a white elephant exchange, if you’d like to participate bring a 50.00 gift, or ask me, I’ll get something for you.
ReplyDeleteNo glasses on apologies.
ReplyDelete