Gifting that'll get you laid - A Valentine's Day guide

So you say you’re stuck on what to get her for Valentine’s Day? I’ve come to bail your hopeless asses out.

My male counter-parts probably feel like you’ve just narrowly wriggled free of Christmas’s nasty little grip only to find that you’re standing before Valentine’s Day, looking it squarely in the face and fresh out of ideas; having blown your wad prematurely. I get it, the tinsel and eggnog were too much. It’s tough keeping up that level of endurance. This is the long game though gentlemen; not for pansies.

Now I don’t really give a rat’s ass about V-Day and that’s why I feel I am in the best possible position to offer advice. Personally, I don’t care what you get her, but I’d prefer not hear all my girlfriends bitch about how they got shitty gifts and how that equates to their men not truly loving them and being invested in the relationship - so all you men need to pay attention right now!

Forget about the fucking flowers. Flowers are pretty for two days then they die, end of story. Don’t even think about buying your lady chocolate. Why? Oh, here…let me run this down for you.

Her: Wanna piece?

You: No thanks

Her: Have a piece, please – I’m getting fat over here.

You: Ok, I’ll have one. Thanks.

Her: …

She’s pissed. Wanna know why? You didn’t tell her she’s beautiful and doesn’t have anything to worry about. You didn’t tell her that she isn’t fat and that she’s being silly. Silly, not stupid – very important distinction. Don’t EVER tell her she’s being stupid. You might as well call her a cunt. This is a no-win situation for you. You might as well go into the bathroom, scrawl out a suicide note on the mirror in her lipstick, and slit your wrists in the tub. No chocolate. Are we clear? I’m not saying this to hurt you, I’m saying this to save your miserable ass.

What else is on the banned list? Teddy bears. Swear to God, we all react the same when we receive a teddy bear. It goes like this: “Oh, look how cute!” we’ll exclaim, as we put on the adorable face that mimics the ‘I just saw a puppy’ look. What really happens: our vaginas have dried up, we can’t believe you’re so inept that this is the best thing you came up with, and we’ve already committed ourselves to giving you the cold shoulder in bed for at least 4 days. Truth.

I’ve killed all of your go-to Valentine’s Day gifts, haven’t I? Good. They were terrible and you should be ashamed of yourself. “Well…but…um…what do I do instead?” Pay some fucking attention to your woman, that’s what you do. Listen to what she says every once in a while. Do you remember that one time she mentioned that she needed a new coat or that she really wanted to get her hair done? That’s your cue. If you really want bonus points you can take her to the hair appointment and sit there while she gets her hair done. You are guaranteed to “get some” later. I promise.  Is there a musical group that she really enjoys? Take her to see them. You’ll be bumping uglies later. If it’s a singer/songwriter I can almost guarantee that you’re getting a blowie too.

This strategy has potential to backfire if you’re an idiot, so please use caution. For instance: when she mentioned needing a vacuum - I am, under NO circumstances suggesting you get her a vacuum. Don’t be stupid. The penalty for that kind of incompetence is unprecedented, but should you find yourself there, please document your experience and report back. I’ll begin keeping records for other poor bastards so they don’t make the same mistakes.

I had planned on offering some gifting advice for my lady friends, but let’s face it – we own this shit. Gift giving is our jam. We’ve probably been thinking about this for a few months now. If you’re truly stuck on what to get your man, just get him that thing that he keeps paying more attention to than you when the commercial for it comes on the tv. One and done. That thing about lingerie being the gift to get him always cracks me up. I could be wearing a shower curtain and it wouldn’t matter. I’ve been sick with tissue jammed up each nostril, wearing three day old sweatpants with stains on them, and it was never a deterrent. You’ll forgive me if I’m hesitant to spend to $80 on an 8-inch piece of fabric that’s going to end up on the floor anyhow and say “here, I got this for you!”

Solid Valentine’s Day gifts come from paying attention to your partner. Good gifting is about getting them what they would appreciate, not necessarily what you want. Look, I don’t do gifts and couldn’t possibly care any less about this Hallmark holiday, but I’m sick of hearing people squawk about hurt feelings and being directionless. For heaven’s sake, use common sense. If that doesn’t work, remember my advice: no chocolate, no bears, no flowers - and then think with your dick. Use protection – that’s my PSA for the year.