Trampoline Vag

So it turns out I know all about my vagina. I’m really proud of myself. I got super bored at work and decided to fuck around on the internet. Below is an actual test from an actual article. These are real answer options here, people. For the purposes of this blog however, my answers and/or input are typed in parenthesis and in blue.

Quiz: How Much Do You Really Know About Vaginas?

What's the best way to clean your vag?

Using the finest Bath & Body works body wash money can buy.

Using a thorough douche.

A mild soap.

(steel wool and Lava soap)

Can you lose a tampon up in there?

Yes, and god knows where it goes. (I wrote a letter to Bill Nye, he never responded. I’m still looking for the one I put up there in 1993. Some science guy he is! Thanks for nothing, Bill)

Hell no. Your vagina is a limited space.

Your vagina doesn't smell that great unless you use a lot of products to make it smell good.

Yes, using douches and fragrances is the best way to keep your vagina smelling great all the time.

No, unless you're having an actual medical issue, your vagina always smells badass because vaginas smell great on their own. (I feel like saying it smells “badass” is a stretch. "Like a bad ass" is more likely.)

(I find the perfect combination of product to be: douche for your “delicates” then shampoo and conditioner followed by mousse and sometimes gel to help give that “wet” look) ß correct answer

The vagina is way stronger than any penis.

No way. The penis is actually super strong.

Uh, duh. Apart from being able to lift weights and have multiple orgasms, your vagina can bring a freaking child into the world. Calling someone a "pussy" should be a compliment, thanks, bye.

(My vagina doesn’t lift weights – at least not that I’m aware of. Now I can’t stop picturing it though and this whole line of questioning is upsetting me. Moving on.)

It's possible for your labia to be way too long.

Yes, it's a very serious issue. ß obviously this is the correct answer see below

No labia can be "too long." Vaginas come in all different shapes and sizes, there's no right or wrong.

(*sings “do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?* I’m sure medically there’s nothing saying your labia have to be a certain size and no one is gonna bust out the ruler before you start bumping uglies, but if it’s by your knees I imagine you’d seek medical attention. Fruit roll up labia? Just saying)

It's possible to stretch your vulva via too much sex or a gigantic penis, and you'll be way too loose.

Absolutely. Too much sex or a too-big penis can wreck it. (Can’t. Stop. Laughing)

No way, your vagina is incredibly elastic and can fit even the biggest wang and will always return to its usual tightness after sex. Once you've had a baby, it might be a different story though. (How is this answer choice any better? The biggest “wang?” I visualize an “elastic” vagina with a gigantic penis crashing into it – rebounding off the surface; like a trampoline. Then you want to tell me that kids might screw that up? Kill joy!)

Those of you that typically read this blog are confused. She’s supposed to be funny…

Here’s the thing: I’m not really feeling it. Normally I’m angry about something or at least jealous and bitter. I got nothing. Humanity sucks balls lately. California is on fire, some crappy mom did some shady shit to get a bunch of money out of folks and made her son a participant. Americans felt sorry and came out to support her case in droves. Turns out she sucks ass. I could go on ad nauseam about what a deplorable act it was, but what for? Honestly all it does is continue to piss me off and draw attention to this Bitch’s heinous (yes, heinous) act of deceit and manipulation.

Instead, I’ve chosen to do good. It’s the only way I know to feel better about the world I’m leaving for my son. We pat each other on the back for narrowly won victories against men and women that would do us harm and call it a day. It’s not enough. I may not be the best mother, the best employee, girlfriend or even the best daughter (I’m kidding – I’m the best daughter) but I know I’m a good human. I’m not feeling terribly funny at the moment, this is true. I am feeling like it’s time for me to get back into action. I don’t know how just yet. It will come to me, it always does. I just know that my heart is big enough, even if it hurts right now.

But…I aced my vagina quiz, so there’s that.