Bedtime stories

Without much explanation, this is the shit that happens in my brain at night. Welcome to my Hell. I wrote this in the bathroom this morning, because as I've stated, all my good ideas happen there. If you thought I was fucked up before, prepare to modify your standards. 

Me: I should fall asleep before Kevin gets home so his snoring doesn’t keep me up.

My sabotaging brain: You should definitely stay awake; what if he never makes it home.

Me: Sssh, don’t say that.

Sabotaging brain: What if he gets in an accident? Wouldn’t that be terrible? You won’t hear your phone ring when the cops call.

Me: Goddammit.

Sabotaging brain: At least it won’t be Curran, right? 

Me: Trying to sleep here...

Sabotaging brain: If something were ever to happen to Curran, you’d drink, right? 

Me: Fuck you.

Brain: Right then. I would. Dude, it’s your child. That shit would kill. Wonder how it’d happen?

Me: Oh, for fuck’s sake! 

[small amount of time passes] 

Me: These socks are hot, I should take them off.

Brain: Yeah, ya should! You talk shit about sock sleepers, yet here you are. You want to be a hypocrite?

Me: Oh my God! I just forgot.

Brain: And now you’ve remembered.

Brain: Hey, while you’re up, did you lock the door? 

Me: I think so.

Brain: You’d better check. You don’t want the aliens coming in.

Me: Aliens don’t stop for locked doors, asshole.

Brain: Theory worked for you as a child, asshole! Besides, how do you know? Ever met one? 

Me: ...

Brain: Right! Maybe they have manners. They are an advanced intelligence, are they not? Who’s to say they haven’t tried breaking and entering and found the front door most effective? Maybe they’ve had dinner and good conversations this way. 

Me: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Brain: You’re pretty screwed up, for the record

Me: Oh look, the cat’s here. 

Brain: Pet him.

Me: Duh.

Brain: I wonder if the cat knows you’re broken?

Me: Huh? 

Brain: Like, does the cat just humor you because he feels badly for you?

Me: I hate you, I just want to sleep.

Brain: I know, sweetheart. We heard you. 

[keys rattle on door]

Me: Ha! Fuck you! Kevin’s home! 

Brain: Okay, and??? Good luck sleeping now, princess. You gonna take those socks off, ya fucking hypocrite?