I don’t need much to be
happy – Take a seat,
we’ll be here a while.
Nobody likes to think of themselves as greedy shit-sharks. I’m
no different. I used to tout myself as ‘easy to please’ to my boyfriend in the
earlier stages of our relationship. Now I’m banging cabinet drawers and theatrically
sighing if he isn’t doing what I’ve asked of him in what I deem a reasonable
amount of time.
Materially speaking, I don’t need much. I just need the Apple
Watch Series 3 to be considered an “accessory” so that I get 50% off at my
local AT&T retailer; one of the perks of having a family member that works for
the company. The iPhone X and various other electronics we own aren’t enough. I
need more, and frankly, I’ve worked hard to spend earned money so that later I
can bitch about how I have none.
I own 3 pairs or running shoes, 7 pairs of pajamas, 2
televisions, 1 laptop, 1 iPad, 8 new albums off iTunes in the last 2 days, 17
years of resentments, and an inferiority complex. Essentially, I’m buying my
way through the healing process. It’s so much easier this way. I wish someone
would have told me about this sooner. I would have saved a shit ton of money on
therapists and uncomfortable silences. $250 an hour to cry and stare at each
other - that’s a lot of music, shoes and
sports bras that I could have been buying instead. And now I have another resentment.
Size doesn’t matter – Let’s just be honest with each
other, okay?
This is the biggest load of warm horseshit I’ve ever tried to
spoon feed myself. Let’s dissect this, shall we?
1) Ever been asked out on a date by a
man that is significantly shorter than you? Were you stoked? I, for one, have
never in the history of my dating career said to myself “Hey, you’re eye level
with my naval, this is going to be great!”
2) If size truly didn’t matter none of
us would go to the gym. I certainly wouldn’t haul my unruly ass onto a
treadmill every damn day. Fuck that noise! You can tell me it feels good to be healthy
and make good choices for yourself. I will tell you that you’re full of shit.
Pizza feels good in my belly right next to Cinnabon and virgin daiquiris. Git
da fuck outta here with that shit! If our society wasn’t a physically driven
machine, we’d all eat what we truly desired. Some of you may desire asparagus and chicken, but I’m usually
feeling something with cheese and sauce. If you can combine the two, we’re in
business.
3) No, I don’t want the man with the average sized penis, I’ll take the smaller
one – it’s cute. See how fucking ridiculous that sounds? Even the virgins are laughing.
If you have a small penis, I’m not saying that you can’t or won’t find love. It
just won’t be with me; clearly.
I don’t need a man – This one is tricky…
This is 50% bullshit. I don’t need one most of the time. I do like
to have one for times when: I’m too short to reach things, times when I’m cold,
times when I need someone to blame, when heavy lifting or manual labor is required,
opening jars with tight lids, and for sex. Have you seen the price on batteries
lately?! I have a plug-in model but I’m somewhat anchored with that thing. I'm always let down when I say "pull my hair," and all I get in response is "bzzzzzzzz."
Then again, vibrators don’t leave dirty socks on the floor
and dirty dishes in the sink. Come to think of it, they don’t leave bread
crumbs from ‘middle of the night’ toast on the counters. They certainly don’t
leave beard hair in the sink and I’ve never had to roll one over in the middle
of the night because it was snoring too loud. Maybe I ought to do a little more research on this one. Back to the drawing board!
We’ll leave it here for today. I’ll probably have more shit
to say tomorrow. If you’re not busy, stop by and see what goes on in this
adorable, warped headspace of mine.
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