At nearly 38 yrs. old I am not looking for Mr.
Right, Mr. Wrong, Mr. Right now or even Mr. Right for 5 mins. I’d settle for
some old episodes of Bosom Buddies, a pack of gummy worms and my hideously unattractive
but warm pair of pajamas. They're the kind of pajamas that let people know that "I haven’t had sex in a very long time, I don’t anticipate having any, and I'm ok with that." I am not the majority though and it got me to
thinking about what you dating folk go through.
Call me old fashioned but back when the earth
was still cooling and I was still dating, I preferred to meet people sans
internet. For those of you that don’t know how to detach from your computers or
mobile devices, that means I went out into the really real world and interfaced
with other human beings. Today we have a plethora of dating websites to choose
from to assist you in meeting your potential forever bed-buddy. Swipe right or
left – I have no fucking clue which direction means what; are there
instructions or is a working knowledge presumed? It’s all so damn confusing to
me but I’ve seen it work for others so I’ll refrain from too much judgement.
Just kidding, I can be a sanctimonious bitch and it’s my blog.
I have a theory, please humor me. First
dates, as we know, can make or break the chances of getting the opportunity for
a second or third date. No second or third date and the chances of you scoring
shrink like the male anatomy in cold water, or my libido when I scroll through
my Twitter and Facebook inboxes. Why men think caveman come-on lines coupled
with poorly-lit and unattractive selfies will elicit a response from me, I am
still struggling to understand, but they’re fun to return to every so often
during commercial breaks. Which brings me to my next point.
The reason that first dates fail in my
opinion, is that not enough time is spent really getting to know your potential
mate; especially if your encounter first takes place on-line. You really need
to step up your game. This where I ask you guys to indulge me a bit. I like to
watch the commercials for prescription medicine and listen attentively for the side
effects. That shit is fucking crazy! Have any of you ever really paid attention
to that stuff? Anal leakage, thoughts of suicide, temporary blindness, rash,
open sores, possible deadly infection…need I go on? Do we really need to do a
cost/benefits analysis here? When I start shitting my pants involuntarily
[because it’s cool when I do it on purpose] this prescription has ceased being
useful to me; I would prefer to deal with the original issue. I digress; I
enjoy watching these commercials and anyone that knows anything about me would
know this.
I feel it’s important to invest some time
getting to know the individual you intend to date, and that’s why I think you
should spend some time stalking them. That’s correct; I said stalk them. Follow
your potential mate around for a few weeks; hide in the bushes, go through
their trash and invest in some binoculars. If you really want this thing to
work, you should put forth a solid effort – they’re worth it and so are you! This
is your happiness. Don’t be afraid to ask their friends about what their favorite
shows are and buy t-shirts or some other bullshit to wear on that first date.
Will you look like a douche? Most assuredly! You’ll also be a douche with more
of a chance of having something to talk about - perhaps a shot at a second
date. Or, you could creep them the fuck out. Could go either way. Jury is still
out on this one; it’s still just theory. I’m counting on your research and data.
I’m not shooting down the internet dating
scene. I like to catfish as much as the next person, but there’s something
about some good old fashioned stalking that just melts my heart. It used to be
easier to meet people. If I don’t force myself out of the house to socialize, I’ll
end up agoraphobic. It’s too easy for me to settle in to my fugly [not a typo] pajamas
and tune out the rest of the world. Before you know it I have diagnosed myself with
half a dozen maladies that I’ll require treatment and medication for. Anal
leakage and open sores, FTW! Alright, which one of the guys that messaged me
still wants to go on that date? Thought not. All I’m saying is that we spend so
much time behind the damn keyboard and phone screen that the “personal aspect”
of the relationship is never formed properly…in my opinion. Start right, stalk
at night.
*Because some asshole will take this shit
literally, I don’t actually condone stalking, maybe start with just being
attentive. But if you’re gonna stalk; do it at night*
Which pajamas?
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