5:30 am and
instead of being at the gym or outside on a morning run, I am on my ass in my
living room typing this drivel and deciding between sweatpants or leggings for
today’s wardrobe. If I were allowed to show up to work wearing burlap or one of
the sets of unattractive pajamas I own; trust that I would. At 5:19 this morning
I threw in the towel; I gave up – game over.
As with any
other morning, I was sitting on the toilet plucking my eyebrows; it’s oddly cathartic
for me, but what is not cathartic is
finding a rogue chin hair. I might be lying a little bit if I were to tell you
that I hadn’t seen this little fucker before, but today he seemed darker and
more menacing. If this little whisker had a face I’m sure he would be smirking
at me. There is no way that it could be female - in my opinion. Female facial
hair would be sympathetic and sorry for its premature arrival and this asshole
was for sure throwing shade; I could feel it!
I’d been in
denial in the past - thinking perhaps it was a misplaced eyebrow, or that it
belonged to someone else and was simply seeking shelter on my face and who am I
to turn away a stray? Sure little buddy, I will give you refuge until you are
strong enough to make it out there on your own or until you become noticeable on
my topography, then you’ll have to bounce. I have issues enough being mistaken
for a boy, you becoming a fixture on my face will only reinforce this and I can’t
have that. With a ‘barely there’ B cup, short hair, and a 9th grade
vocabulary; your residency delivers a crushing blow to my already teetering
femininity.
I took his life with the aid of Mr. Tweezerman. With steady
hands I went for the kill shot and ripped that little asshole out by the root
nice and slow. It was so gratifying in fact that when I was done; I looked down
at my handiwork and in a manner of speaking, mocked the hair. That’s right; I
talked shit to a hair that I pulled from my chin. I’ve done some stupid shit, but
I think this is right up there in the rankings. I talked down to that little
chin hair: “What now? What you got now, tough guy? Right. Nuthin. What? Go
ahead, say something…” *make sure to
insert overconfidence in tone while reading that* I have fallen hopeless to
and helpless. I talk shit to facial hair. I was almost disappointed when it
didn’t rise to the occasion and I wasn’t able to actually pick a fight. So you
see; this is why I give up. I’ve lost the battle with both my body and my mind.
I’ve never had an issue sharing even the most embarrassing of
encounters with you guys and this certainly qualifies. I’ve even decided to
post the photo of my little buddy [see below] post extraction. I’m a little
lonely now if I’m being honest. Hindsight being 20/20, I’m wondering if I made
a mistake. What if we could have been best buddies? I could have let him grow
and perhaps invited a few more of his cousins and together we could have done
something charitable; like grown locks of love. I think I just threw up a
little bit. “Here Tabitha, we know you lost your own hair, but here is a nice
wig made entirely of chin hair donated by Tina. She says: ‘Fuck Cancer’ and
‘Not by the hair on my chiny-chin-chin’ and that she knows she’s going to Hell,
but she hopes you enjoy your new fro.”
Straight.
To. Hell.
Does Satan
have razors or does the hair just singe from the heat, and if that’s the case,
do we all smell like burnt dog hair? I need to know these kinds of things so I
can pack accordingly.
Thanks,
Sloth
A small but important victory for u and ur tweezers. We cant beat father time but we can skirmish with him.why is time designated the male gender anyway?
ReplyDeletePerhaps an angry woman bestowed it upon man when he wouldn't empty the dishwasher but had plenty of time for other meanderings.Theory and speculation only. :)
ReplyDelete