I have a future in television

I’m not famous yet. Like, not even close. I get it, I’m hard for some folks to stomach. Some of you are sick bastards and can’t get enough. My crass nature and propensity for swearing leave you waiting for the next blog like starved anorexic models staring at batches of homemade mashed potatoes with gravy. Shit, that fucked up wasn’t it? I ought to be more sensitive. I’ll get right on that; just as soon as I’m done with my plate of lasagna and slice of cake.

To be clear, I don’t ever need to see my name in lights. That shit is scary as fuck. People are mean and I’m relatively sensitive. All it would take is one douchebag to say some shit to hurt my feelings, next thing you know I’m collecting dog shit from around the neighborhood for flaming crap bags. I know my limitations and honestly, there aren’t enough dogs in my neighborhood for my rage potential. Low bottom, high ceiling.

It got me thinking though; what am I missing? Why isn’t my blog game strong? Then I remembered that in the past – like the way, way past – I used to post videos. I posted short video blogs that were exceptionally crappy. So much so, in fact, that my boyfriend would always criticize them. He’s supposed to love everything that I do! If he wants blowjobs, that’s how this thing works. He would tell me, “You really ought to consider where your lighting sources are, dear” as if adding the affectionate term to the end of an insult somehow made it all better. Hey, I just took a massive shit on your chest, but here’s a wet-nap. We good?  No. We’re not good. Far from it. But hey, I got you a tub of Vaseline and some new gym socks. So, there’s that.

*To my dear BF: Love you. Thanks for putting up with me and allowing me to talk shit. Let me know when you run out of socks.

As far as the lighting in my videos goes - eat a dick! When I get an assistant to make me sandwiches, pick up my cat food from the grocery store, compliment me profusely on my quick wit and individualistic disregard for fashion trends – I’ll make them fix the fucking lighting situation, okay?

Nasim Aghdam, who recently opened fire at You Tube HQ and took her own life, claimed that she was being demonetized by recent censorship. How the fuck was this chick making money? If I post shitty videos and claim to be a vegan [animals are tasty] will I gain viewers? Remember, more viewers would be like a private Hell for me, so this is all rhetorical. I never watched any of her videos. I try not to watch people who quote Hitler. Just feels icky, ya know?

So, what I’m saying is: along with getting back to the basics of being extraordinarily offensive [which I’ve gotten away from lately, and I apologize] I have included for your viewing pleasure, a video of me doing absolutely nothing. I’m certain it’ll go fucking viral. It’s 10x more entertaining than kids choking on condoms. Ok, it’s not as entertaining as kids getting condoms stuck in their noses, but I’m not doing that shit. I have latex allergies and you can go fuck yourself. Literally.