Insert Foot Here

I’ve talked about being a drunk. I’ve admitted being a bitch. I’ve proven myself a parent whose practices you should avoid implementing in your own home. I’ve ridden the crazy train to the end of the line. There’s nowhere else to go. You’d think so. You’d be wrong…

You know how some people have the instinctive ability to know the things that needn’t be discussed in mixed company? Yeah, I’m not one of those. I’m the woman who will invariably, without fail, attempt to inhale her foot – shoe and all.

I like to wait until I’m at a large gathering of family members, preferably his, to bring up off-color topics; like bodily functions, our sex life, how I sleep in the nude, & other fun idiosyncrasies. I don't realize I've done anything wrong until my audience is all looking at me with jaws agape.

I recently found out that talking about your ex-husband & calling him “Satan” in front of your religious mother-in-law might not have been the wisest choice while trying to nail down an alliance with her. True story. I think I’ll survive it, but she did look at me like I kidnapped a baby.

Leave it me to tell that one co-worker, “I never really liked you in the beginning” while at the company party [sober] and never manage to follow it up with, “but all of that has changed now.”

My kid had head lice about a week ago and my first [very first] thought was: he finally has to cut that fucking mop on his head! Not a very motherly reaction. I get that. I suppose I would have done better to try to comfort him and tell him that head lice happens when you’re in grade school – that I was sorry and it’s a shitty situation. Nope – not this mom. I was glad he was with his father [Satan] and that that mess of a rat’s nest was finally getting fucking whacked off his head. Zero fucks to be had!

I also secretly hope Satan catches the lice, but that’s another story.

That’s all for now. I just needed to stretch my fingers. My mother-in-law has been staying with us for the last couple of weeks, I haven’t had much time to write. She’s also been kicking my ass at the gym after work every day. She may be 69, but she’s built strong & it’s really beginning to piss me off. It’s downright humiliating! Each night I go to bed beat to shit. Maybe I’ll start slipping some ex-lax in her dinner smoothies – see if that doesn’t slow her roll a little.

*I adore this woman - for the record*