Dante's Shade of Lent

Hey, did ya'll know that Lent is upon us? Fan-fuckin-tastic! 40 days of guilt and shame; like I can't do that shit on my own. Thanks! 

I was raised Catholic. By "raised Catholic" I mean to say I was forced to attend catechism classes. I much rather would have been reading Sweet Valley High books or Seventeen Magazine.

I had my First Holy Communion when I was 12. From there it was simple spitting distance to a position as an esteemed altar girl on Sunday's at Spanish mass. Pretty sure that even then I just wanted to compete with my Cousin who'd done that shit voluntarily because she was a believer and loved the Lord. I also probably wanted to get after some of that Holy wine. I had a heavy paw while helping the Father's hand lifting the cup to my eager face. Still, I'd make my Grandmother proud.

I'm a recovering Catholic these days. What does that mean?

Simply put, it means this: I attend services when I feel like it. Usually, they're of the Christian faith. Why? Less guilt, more acceptance. I still attend Catholic mass on Easter. Why? Because I'll go directly to Hell if I don't. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I attend Spanish services on the rare occasion my Grandmother is in town and we are in each other's company on a Sunday. She lives in Mexico so you can gather how frequently that shit goes down.

Every year when Lent rolls around, I squirm with unease. What am I going to part with? I'm certain I'm going to Catholic Hell anyway, so does this practice even matter? Does my eating a steak on Friday really change the trajectory of my eternal soul?

Here's the thing: God is supposed to love us, right? And all our shitty debt has been paid, right? So, if we believe and do our best, is that sugar on my cereal going to mean infinite damnation? Really? And if that's the nail that closes my coffin forever, why am I seated in front of this computer recounting Dante's Inferno and the circles of Hell, tallying up my misdemeanors and criminal offenses? What the fuck is the point? Have you read that shit lately?

For being lustful or having desires of the flesh, I am subject to having my soul tossed about amid violent winds during a storm, forever without rest. Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, I was "agitated" and wanted to screw just the other day. I had been thinking about it the whole ride home from work. I planned to walk in the door and proclaim my demand: "Here, on this piece of furniture, now!" 

Imagine that, having eternal unrest for wanting to fuck my husband. I'm not off to a good start on this whole "Inferno Safari."

Let's move along to the next circle: Gluttony. Might as well just skip to the punishment on this one. Who hasn't gone after the extra dumpling or indulged in too many cocktails? Who hasn't bought a pair of shoes that were a little on the pricey side but also been proud of that shit? Better settle in, shitstains. Guess what's in store for us?

In putrid stink we wallow around on our hands and knees, sightless, to symbolize how selfish and ignorant of our neighbors we are. I'm not ignorant of my neighbor. The son-of-a-bitch next door smokes so much weed you can't help but know he's there. This can only be half true for me.

Are you getting the gist of this yet? What's the point in performing or sacrificing if I'm fucked right out the gate?  The rest of the circles are greed, wrath, heresy, violence, fraud, & treachery. Do some research on your own, I can't do all of this for you. 

I'm sorry Grandma, I suck at this Catholic thing. I really wanted to make you happy, but cows taste good and so far I'm already a sightless mess rooting around in vile slush after having been beaten around in a violent storm. I think this Lent thing might not be my shade of dedication.