Why I write or "What's the Alternative?"

REASONS I WRITE

1)      Therapy is Expensive – On any given day there are about a hundred different thoughts that swirl around in the swampy soup bowl of my brain. I am constantly in a battle with myself. I have a committee in my head that tells me you people talk shit about me all the time, that you are better than me, that I shouldn’t even try, that my ass is fat and I need to change pants. If I don’t get that stuff out, it will destroy me. Ever seen a soda can explode in the freezer? Yep, like that – clean up on aisle “Tina” again!

2)      I Enjoy Making People Laugh – I have always maintained that whether you are laughing at me or with me; please just laugh. I would prefer that we laugh together instead of like that time all my classmates watched me walk home with the back of my dress tucked into my tights, but hey, they can’t all be winners, right? Since childhood, I have always sought to make people happy, even to my own detriment at times – but a smile and genuine laughter is worth all the gold in the world. Well, maybe a little gold never hurt anyone right?

3)      Destroying Someone’s Character Isn’t an Art Form Yet – I say “yet” because I firmly believe that if you give me enough time, I am stubborn enough to make just about anything happen. Character assassination could be the next Olympic sport if I have anything to say about it. I’m going for the Gold. Don’t worry Americans I’m bringing it home for the team!! We’re #1!!

4)      Jail is Real -  I am already an insufferable bitch at least 18 days out of the month and even that is being generous. If I didn’t write to vent all this carcinogenic crap out of my system those 18 days would turn into the full month and “insufferable” would become loathsome, repugnant and intolerable. I look good in orange, but I’m too pretty for jail. I write instead.

5)      I Have Zero Patience – I have zero patience for bead working, knitting, or anything else with small and moving parts. I also have failing eyesight. I’m vain as well and I refuse to do anything about any of the above mentioned. I have tried making jewelry (because I’m vain and like pretty things) and I end up getting pissed off because my hands and eyes won’t cooperate with one another. I start swearing and banging shit around like an adult version of a toddler. “Fuck this fucking piece of fuckity fuck!! Fucking cock! Bitch ass piece of shit!!!” Or something like that.

6)      I Can’t Afford Truck Loads of Xanax – See # 5. Do I need to say more? Really?

7)      Eventually Even the Libraries Close – I do a pretty good job of occupying myself given the hopeless nature of my circumstances; I am a 37 yr. old potty-mouthed woman who barely functions in public. I have a disgruntled disposition that I make no apologies for, and for that reason I spend a lot of time alone. I have grown to appreciate this time. I for damn sure like it a hell of a lot better than pretending to be someone that I am not around a bunch of people that I am certain will go home and talk mad shit about me anyhow. Don’t cry for me; I get to spend time at my favorite place in all the world – the mother fucking library! I love the smell of books almost as much as I love the smell of Christmas Trees or defeat and sadness as I squash a competitor.

8)      Slapping People is Frowned Upon – There are people that I want to slap when I see them engaging is ridiculous behavior. Some people, I want to have on a repeating playlist because I know that they’re going to do some “Grade-A Moron” shit again tomorrow and I don’t want to forget. Instead of putting myself in jeopardy of winding up in jail and potentially ending up someone’s “favorite” prison hoe – I write. I guess that I could write while locked up too, but that’s a different kind of writing and Pen-Pals are so 2^nd grade. Besides, it’s hard to write effectively if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder to see if you’re about to get stabbed with that #2 pencil.

9)      I’m Not Welcome at Children’s Parties – Many of my friends either have children or are about to have children. I love children. I have a child. I should not be around children. My child is exceptional and I say that not because he’s mine [totally said because he’s mine] but because he is truly a unique young man. I often get invited to attend the parties that his little friends’ have for their birthdays. I would no more attend one of these parties than I would deign to perform my own open heart surgery. AYFKM (are you fucking kidding me?) I can see myself surrounded by 6 other moms [probably all wearing athletic pants] discussing the curriculum for the school year - making idle chit-chat over iced tea and eating gluten-free snacks. *insert barf sounds* That, that right there is why I am not welcome at children’s parties. When Billy falls off the swing, I will be the mom to say some shit like “Walk it off tough guy” or “Sack-up” when he starts crying. When Debbie comes out wearing her mom’s make-up and everyone thinks it’s “super-cute!” I’ll be the mom saying “Oh cool, you’re teaching her how to sell herself young. Awesome. Goals!” That! That is why I am no good at parties.

10)  I Suck at Art – I may not be great at writing either, but my art is next level shitty. This right here [see below] is why I write.