You ever ask someone a some really dumb question like: “What
would you do if you had a million dollars?” What is it that we hope to uncover
by asking this question? Life’s great mystery? If they answer with some
altruistic bullshit like “I would donate to charity” or “I would help find a
cure for Cancer” does that make them better than you or I? The answer is yes.
Yes, it does. I’m totally cool with that. They can be better than me. Have at
it! What, you expected to me say that I would feed the homeless and read to
blind kids? Maybe I would build the world a home? Fuck that! No! Think again!
Maybe back when I wore patchouli, burned incense (among other things) and
danced in the rain. I’m much more practical and down to earth these days.
Don’t get me wrong, I want little blind kids to hear a good
story and I want Cancer patients to live, but I want to live in comfort too and
if I had to choose…well… Collectively, 30 jaws just dropped and I think I just
heard my mom cry out “oh fuck, she fucking went there.” I have zero tact. ZERO.
It’s probably why you continue to read. I know it’s why I continue to write. I’m
as surprised as you by what ends up on these pages. Ok, let’s get back to this
then, shall we? If I had a million dollars…
I would for sure buy a HUGE ass house but it would be for me
and maybe a few friends, assuming I still have any after the comments I’ve made
earlier in this rant. I want my compound to have an Olympic size pool with a
slide and a diving board. I want it to have a petting zoo also. Feeding small
animals is great, but I also need someone to clean that shit up because I had
trouble cleaning up after my own offspring. Small hairy and smelly beasts
should be handled by someone who is less likely to get rid of them when they
become too much work. I have a habit of tossing things that no longer serve me –
ask boyfriends 3-5 and refer to vehicles 1,2,4 and 6. This domicile of mine
would also have a roller skating rink below the theater and an art gallery
adjacent to my writing den. All rooms would be kept at comfortable 76 degrees
because I get cold and I don’t care how you feel. I get cold. I’m the
millionaire here. I’m sorry, did you say something? I can’t hear you over the
sound of me fanning myself with my money.
On the real – I squeeze the very last vestiges of toothpaste
from the tube. That stuff is not cheap anymore and I’ve been spending hella
money on my teeth as of late. I’m gonna smile and I’m gonna spend hella money
ensuring my smile is better, brighter and prettier than yours. I grimace when I
have to spend $20 at Target for 5 pairs of underwear that will fall apart in a
couple of months because I am too lazy to separate my laundry or change the setting
to gentle on the washer. I buy generic everything – why the hell not?
The other day I was offered a compliment on my attire by a random
woman and I openly offered “Thanks, it’s from Target” like she needed to know
that shit. She was clearly going to get in her SUV and head right over and get her
a pair of pants just like mine. She had to know that it was a deal! Sometimes
(all the time) I lack a filter. I over-share in situations that make people
uncomfortable. There was the time at the store I told the large black man
behind me who was purchasing Pine-Sol “I love the smell of Pine-Sol” WTF?! This
dude was the size of Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction and I peeked at what he
was buying and told him I liked the smell of Pine-Sol??? Are you shifting in your seat yet? Do you feel
sorry for me yet? If I win a million dollars I need to buy a small home on a
large piece of land far, far away from the rest of civilization (and animals
for that matter) and live out the rest of my days alone. It’s the only safe
thing for me – and you.
If you know me at all, you know that I still like patchouli,
I still dance in the rain, I volunteer regularly, would give you my internal
organs if you needed them and would have no clue what to do with a million
dollars if I had it – except to donate it and spend the rest of my days reading
to children (minus all the current profanity I use)
~ Namaste Bitches!
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