It's super ok to leave your kid in my care, but also probably not advisable

I love children, especially ones that don't belong to me. Not for creepy reasons. Not for vans without windows reasons. Certainly not for unexplained excellent vegetable garden reasons. Kids that don't belong to me can be handed off when I get tired and need a nap or they become an embarrassment - temper tantrum aisle 9. Children are wonderful, innocent little angels full of awe and hope. Giggles and laughter. I could soak that shit up. Could....maybe....if the planets were aligned just right, it was leap year, I had an alicorn in my back pocket and just for shits and giggles there was a rainbow with a pot of gold waiting for me next to said child. I am steel! I am impenetrable! I am playing telephone with a two year old and her Fisher Price plastic phone. "Hello? Nope, sorry didn't catch that, can you repeat that?" Fucking jello.

I am so good at playing with kids. No joke, I am a pro! We play hard-core - wait - that came out all wrong. I will tire your child out. No....still not right. Hmmm. I am a giant child myself and enjoy playing games as much as they do. There, I think I got it right that time, yes? I prefer spending time with little humans rather than their full-sized counterparts. 

You can also totally count on me to never ever leave your little one in a hot car either; learned my lesson the hard way that time in Tucson. That El Camino still smells "off." 

I'm good about feeding children wholesome snacks too. Pizza and beer have been at the top of my food pyramid but I know better these days. Pb&j is ok (unless your kid has allergies) and coca-cola and flaming Cheetos are probably a bad idea. 

I will have your tiny tike tuckered out and calling me Aunt Tina by the time I drop them back off - in one piece I might add. Score! Why then might it not be advisable to leave them in my care??? If you've gotten this far, it should already be abundantly clear, but in case you're extra dense; I'll lay out a few bullet points as to why I'm unfit. 

1. Your child is likely to come back with song lyric knowledge well beyond their maturity level
2. Beastie Boys License to Ill  
3. Your child is likely to return with a few new choice words added to their budding vocabulary like: douchebag, asshat, dick nose etc
4. They WILL return with a host of coping skills you did not anticipate and do not want them having (full list available upon request)
5. "Mom, can we get a dog? Aunt Tina said we should ask for a dog, we were really good today!"

And that was about the time the handoff happened....