Oh, For Fuck's Sake
The Golden Showers
Award or Sunshine Blogger Award (whatever)
Apparently, when
you write enough crap, people are tired of seeing your name pop up in their
feed, and they bestow you with fake awards to shut you up.
I’ve seen the Liebster
Award (fake) which is given to bloggers who are known for their kindness and
pleasant nature. I trip children at the park, I’m not ever getting this
award.
My asshole
friend, Kieran (we’re only internet buddies, I have no real friends) decided to
nominate me for the Sunshine Blogger Award. I assume he did this because he
either ran out of solid bloggers to add to this list, or he was day drinking again
and thought it’d be funny. The rules say I must thank him though, so, whatever.
Thanks.
You can find
him on Twitter https://twitter.com/KieranBullshit or you can go directly to the source for some truly hilarious shit. The man has a gift and unnaturally light skin. I could tan just standing next to him. Do yourself a favor and check out his
page.
The
Rules:
- Thank the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer
the 11 questions the blogger asked you. (Thank God he’s lazy and only presented
3)
- Nominate
new blogs to receive the award and write them somewhere between 3 and 11 new
questions. Or do what you want, I’m the boss.
- List
the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your post/or on your blog.
- Notify
the nominees about it by commenting on one of their blog posts.
Here are the
questions Kieran asked me:
1. What gives your life meaning and
purpose?
I kinda like
my kid. Well, I did, until I got the little shithead’s report card and found out he failed 3
classes and got D’s in two others. Lying little asswipe.
I enjoy
watching sports mishaps. I’m fairly dedicated to that and feel serenity and
gratitude after about 20 minutes of gruesome bone breaks and near-death
impalement.
I like helping
people when and where I can. Having been through addiction myself, if anything
that I’ve done or have been through helps another – keeps them from making
similar mistakes, then it wasn’t for nothing. It was a win.
2. Why do you waste your time on a blog
(other than the narcissism and babyish need for attention)?
He nailed it
with “narcissism and babyish need for attention.” You mean there are other
reasons to blog? Fuck! I know dick about makeup application and 70% of what I
cook comes from a package. I am not Susie Homemaker. You will not see me
writing an inspirational blog and my mommy days are long over. This babybox was decommissioned
during the Clinton administration. I have zero useful tips for new parents. At
least, none that any new parent wants to hear.
Let the kid
crawl on the floor! Let the kid put dirty shit in its mouth. YOU, parent, are
the fucking problem. You’re the reason Timmy and Tanya are going to grow up to
be sniveling pussies who are always sick and have gluten and dairy intolerances.
I blog
because I'll unleash my crazy shit on the unsuspecting public if I don’t occasionally
unscrew the cap a little every so often. Therapy is expensive. This is the
alternative. Besides, it must make some of you feel better reading my crap and
realizing, hey, at
least I’m not as fucked up as that bitch!
3. What makes you laugh/feel good.
Sex.
The lobster and I laugh together - a lot. We make one another laugh and we both feel good. He’ll read this later and I’ll reassure him that it
makes us both feel good. I’ll raise my eyebrow to reinforce the
seriousness.
There’s
usually not laughter after sex, more along the lines of giggling and, “thank
you, honey.” So yes, I stand with my first answer: sex. I’ll only add that the aforementioned sex is with my husband and not some random dick.
Barring
that, I’m insufferable and find no joy in anything. The exceptions to this are:
athletes who fuck up, kids who eat shit at the playground, and animals doing
silly animal stuff.
My
nominees
Kieran was a
selfish fucker and stole all the writers (ok, like two of them) that I would have
nominated. He must be an only child. However, I think I may have found an appropriate
response. In keeping with his own dealings (breaking “no backsies” rule), my first nominee
is, of course, the bemusing bullshit artist.
- Kieran’sBullshit Humor: Regularly funny, cookie advocate, once ate a tamale with the
husk on. Read here: https://kieranbullshit.com/
- SheWrites Good: Witty, down to earth, mom & wife with everyday drama, also a
nominee of that fake Liebster award. All-around charmer. Find her here: https://shewritesgood.com/
- StumpedMom: Tackles issues some aren’t comfortable discussing so openly. She confronts sex, sexism, gender roles and more. She’s also a good friend. Check out her work: https://stumpedmom.com/
* Land Manatee, I would nominate you, but it just feels like I’d be doing
ya dirty. How many times do you really want to do this shit, man? Just know, if
Kieran wasn’t so fucking selfish, you would’ve made my list. *
Questions
for the Troops
If you’re
still following this, God bless you. Let’s tie this bitch up.
Answer the
following in your own blog:
- How do you measure success? (not necessarily professionally, could be personally)
- What do you worry about most and why?
- Waffles of Pancakes?
- If you could be any superhero or villain, who would you be? Why?
That, I
think concludes this session of Golden Showers. I mean, Golden Globes. Uh, Sunshine
something or other. Same difference.