Chinese Water Torture

Dating is some seriously tricky shit. Before going out into the dating arena one must be fully prepared. Make sure that provisions are packed. A month’s supply of canned food should suffice in case you get lost on your way home from one of those shitty clubs that you have no business being at being at because you can’t dance and your usual bedtime is 10 pm. Full body armor for when unwanted advances are hurled at you; and should you make it to the actual dating game, that armor can be used to deflect misinterpretations and passive aggressive responses. Gladiator stuff, people! I actually picture that there is a training course available. Men and women who will attempt to pick fights with you by saying hatful shit while you run an obstacle course; laundry, dishes, bed making etc. Being in a relationship is just two people trying to get by without killing one another and still win at the game of love, right?  That’s what I remember. The truth is - I couldn’t tell you what dating is like. I have to rely on information from credible sources like my friends, Facebook, those tabloid magazines in the check-out counter at the grocery stores and my neighbors upstairs. I hear everything Diane!

Oh Tina, it can’t be that bad… Yes. Yes, it can. I own footsie pajamas with Hello Kitty on them. I am 37 damn years old. I have a usual bedtime of 9:15 pm on weeknights and 9:30 -10pm on the weekends. Living dangerously now!! I have all kinds of idiosyncratic behavior that to me is completely within the realm of sane, but I’ve been told more than once by more than a couple of men that I do things a little “differently.” I won’t get into all of those now, because God forbid I should ever be on someone’s swipe right or left list – I don’t need them remembering “oh yeah, she does (fill in the blank)” Ok, I brush my teeth in the shower. I also prefer to use men’s razors to shave my legs. I bite my lower lip when deep in thought and if you draw attention to it, I will hate you forever and I cry watching The Land Before Time – every time. Those are kids play. The full list is alarming and requires a Xanax for the unprepared reader.

So what happens when people finally meet and they start dating? Babies are born. I think that some other stuff happens first, but remember I wear footsie pajamas so I may not be the person you want to ask. They hang out I guess, and try to tolerate one another until it becomes natural - until it stops being weird and uncomfortable? I’m a walking contradiction as it is, so dating is no different. I can never figure out if I like the door being held open for me, or if I think you think I’m incapable of handling such a task. When you stand up at the table when I return from the restroom I have no idea what to do with that shit. Are we supposed to bow formally to one another? Am I supposed to curtsey? Do we chest bump? WTF?! It’s all so damn confusing. Can’t you just ignore me?

Let’s go ahead and jump forward in this imaginary relationship. Let’s make believe we’ve been together for a couple of years now and we’re comfortable with one another’s habits and routines. So in others words – we’re boring and bored.

ME: What did you do today?

YOU: Not much

ME: Clearly. Did you go to the store like I asked you to?

YOU: No, I didn’t get a chance to. Sorry. I got busy.

ME: I thought you said that not much happened today.

YOU: Well, not much did, but it was busy.

ME: Ok, sorry, I must have misunderstood what “busy” and “not much” actually meant. It’s cool. My bad.

YOU: What did you do today?

ME: Not much.

Where did I put that passive aggressive body armor? My imaginary partner could really use it right now. I was driving around today when it hit me that being in a relationship is a little like Chinese Water Torture. Day in and day out these little occurrences take place. Drip, drip, drip: Slowly driving you insane. I will read too much into something he said, he will read too little into something I’ve said, or we will completely miss one another. He will leave socks in the corner of the room or beard hair in the sink and I will leave the toothbrush in the shower again. I will clean the cat box when I am running late for work even though it is his fucking turn to do that shit! Drip, drip, drip: you’ll chew your own arm off to get free. Coyote Ugly yourself free or live with battle armor forever – but hey, I’m not saying relationships suck. Maybe you just got me on a bad year.