And Some Other Shit You'll Never Hear Me Utter

 And Some Other Shit You’ll Never Hear Me Utter

If you’ve spent any time reading even a couple of my previous rants, you’ll understand that I am a blunt force trauma. I am the drunk clown at the birthday party or the sauced-up uncle at Christmas with one too many opinions about minorities who’d do better to keep his mouth shut in the presently mixed company he’s entertaining.

I don’t have anything timely or of grand importance to write about; nothing about the 116^th Congress, Pelosi, or anything along spiritual lines. Instead, I bring you more bullshit, because ultimately, that’s what I do best. I offer you some shit you’d never in a million years hear me say; unless I fall off the wagon, that is. Then, all bets are off and welcome to the shit show.

Looking forward to it!

The only time I’ve said this and truly meant it is when I told my now ex-husband that I’d see him in court. I use this sparingly with people and rarely with much enthusiasm or honesty. I can honestly say that I look forward to going home and putting on my pajamas, the rest of the day is just filler. Oh, friends and weekend fun? Yeah, no thanks. That’s why God invented Netflix and other streaming services.

Everyone deserves a second chance

Wrong. I believe people are inherently good at heart, that much is true. There are some people that I feel are beyond redemption though. I get it, I’m not Judge and jury and who am I to declare someone beyond redemption? You draw a big line in the motherfucking sand when you commit heinous crimes though; the nature of which I don’t even want to get into here. When you hurt the young, elderly, or animals in any way – you are beyond redemption in my book. It’s just a matter of how to deal with you. I assure you I judge more harshly than you would think.

No thanks, I’m vegan

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with being vegan. I, in fact, tried it for a year. It’s a year of my life that I’ll never get back. I’m not really complaining because let’s face it, my life kinda sucks as it is. Real food would have made that year much less crippling though. For a straight year I felt like shit and wanted to cry every time I went out to lunch or dinner and one of my friends would order something with eggs, meat, cheese, cream, or butter [I just had an orgasm]. I even abstained from eating candy with gelatin. Are you fucking kidding me?! https://www.peta.org/about-peta/faq/what-is-gelatin-made-of/

Way to kill the joy in all things food, vegans. Go fuck yourselves!

I’m a tea person

Coffee is what stops me from punching walls or your face. I stopped drinking 5 years ago. I replaced that alcohol with food. Then the food was becoming an issue, so I had to deal with that. Candy became a quick replacement for alcohol sugars and icky feelings I had to deal with. Soon I had to wean myself off that too. Do you realize how much treatment I am undergoing right now? It’s best not to fuck with me, really. My sanity is delicate. Tea is not strong enough to tackle the bullshit that I have moshing around in my brain; I need coffee to go in there and tear shit up. That first sip of coffee calms me the fuck down. Interrupt me and it’s at your own peril – I guarantee you that much. I don’t even drink the shit when I’m sick. Suggest it and I will laugh at you. I put tea bags in my coffee cup. Take your throat coat and fuck off. Come back when you have a real cup of coffee.

I thought I had more to say but I guess I just don’t care enough. Until next time; I’m really looking forward to it!