If you’ve never had the pleasure of purchasing new home
furnishings out of necessity, let me tell you why it sucks balls.
I’ve got an 11-yr. old child. He’s pretty much the male
version of me; so basically, an asshole with a curfew. Much to my chagrin, keeping
him locked in a closet and feeding him protein shakes and vegetables is frowned
upon by child protective services. I’d come up with something less savory, but
believe me, these foods are torture for him; that’s enough for me. The thing
with kids is, they grow up. In so doing, they require new furniture. This twin
size bed he’s in isn’t cutting it anymore. Poor little asshole’s feet hang over
the end of his bed. It’s not my fault his father is a sasquatch. Won’t make that
mistake again. If this most recent marriage fails, it’s nothing but midgets for
me from here on out. *Sorry honey*
I’ve had to do research on the different types of mattresses
out there. I’m old now and shit's changed since the last time I bought one of
these. Spring mattresses, I’m familiar with. Memory foam, I’ve heard of. In
fact, that’s what’s on my son’s frame. What the fuck is a latex mattress?! Fools
are allergic to latex, right? How fucked up would that be? Get a bed, unbeknownst
to you it’s latex, and for the unforeseeable future your shit is fucked up 7
ways to Sunday. Or, at least until you figure out you’re sleeping on a giant
condom.
After much debate I decided I wanted an old school spring
mattress. Or do I? My rational was that latex was expensive, and well, the
whole condom thing. Then I started thinking about sex. That’s right, sex. If
you’re a family member, you may want to close out this application and just
walk away now, before it’s too late.
Spring mattresses provide “assistance” to my partner when he’s
on top, so that’s a tally mark in the spring category. Spring mattresses also tend
to blow out over time and sag, like my boobs and ass, so we can safely strike
that tally. Blank slate. Let’s talk memory foam. If you’ve never had an
opportunity to defile a memory foam mattress, we’re in the same boat. I have
been able to sleep on one though. In my experience the bed conforms to your
shape. It kind of sucks you into it. It’s quite comfortable…unless your trying
to have sex, I imagine.
So, my husband and I talking pros/cons about memory foam and
it occurs to me that if I’m on top, and my knees sink into this mattress, this
is going to create a fuck ton of work for me without the spring-back action
that our old mattress provides. I already don’t like this idea. I feel like Artax
in the swamps of sadness, unable to go further, so tired, giving in to the
mattress. I don’t give a shit if it’s hypoallergenic, it’s unsuitable for
lovemaking. There Mom, I didn’t call it fucking…are you happy? (Of course, she’s
still reading. I said stop, so naturally she grabbed popcorn)
I should have just taken my chances locking my spawn in the
damn closet. It would have been much easier than deciding between comfort,
price, and whether to cripple our coupling. No need for new furniture, this
broom closet suits the child just fine.
And that is how I wound up being investigated by CPS…
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