and judgement for all...

People say “You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.” Those people are a) balls deep in self-deception, b) usually the first motherfuckers to grab the heaviest stones to cast, or c) so busy seeing everyone as equals that they didn’t notice their wallet just got lifted by the unassuming elderly man they were talking to in the doctor’s waiting room. This is real life, not fiction. If you want a perfect society go read H. G. Wells, A Modern Utopia.

I try not to judge too much. I try; doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. When it does, it’s typically funny as hell. I’m human – I won’t apologize for that shit. I’ll also judge the fuck out of you if you look like you’ll beat and rape me on a city bus or if you have a tattoo anywhere on your body that’s incorrectly spelled. The first is self-preservation; the latter is common fucking sense. You paid for that? No one has told you it’s wrong yet? You need friends of a better caliber and to crack a book once in a while.

There is a base level of healthy judgement that is necessary to properly navigate through society. The stuff that keeps you from getting shanked, robbed, or otherwise endangered. Anything beyond that, you’re judging not for perseverance, but for amusement. This is where I’m most culpable. I build entire storylines around the unfortunate souls that I single out. I bet you’re wondering if I might have an example for you. *wicked grin* Silly bitches, you know I do.

Two days ago, at the gym, I saw a CHUD in the flesh. If you’re unfamiliar with this term, a) I’m sorry, and b) now that you do know, I’m even sorrier. You’ll want to watch the film – do so at your own risk. CHUD is an acronym for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. There is a movie, it is terrible, you should see it, and they are real. This dude looked like he fell off the inbred truck and then got beaten mercilessly with the stupid stick. Speak up…I can’t hear you. Be more descriptive? Alright…buckle in.

Lurch was about 5’11” and a nice egg shell shade of white. He had long limbs, almost arboreal in appearance. They were much too long in proportion to the rest of his body. He was bald. Bald like he at one point had the Caesar balding pattern, but one night, after too many Coors Lights, he decided to Bic the rest of his head. Now his dome reflects the florescent lights from above.

Lurch is sporting some glasses from 1984, the kind your PE coach wore. In fact, I think I just nailed it. Lurch was your gym coach. He’s wearing the athletic shorts and the basketball t-shirt you’d expect him to be wearing. Even though he’s not got them on today, he looks like the kind of asshole who’d wear black socks pulled up to mid-calf with white shoes. Ladies, are your hearts palpitating yet? Are you wet? Fuck! I almost made myself throw up.

By far, the smoothest thing about him is the way he chews his gum. I can’t stop staring. He’s an open-mouth gum chewer. It’s obnoxious. Fuck that, it’s repugnant. This motherfucker smacks his jaw around in a circular, slack-jawed motion, all the while, rolling his tongue around the inside of his cavernous facehole. I’m torn between being fascinated and wanting to vomit.

Clearly, a mental giant, he has spent two minutes on a broken treadmill pushing buttons. The fucking thing isn’t lit up at all, nimrod. All the other ones have pretty lights on them that make up words like “begin” and “workout,” I wonder what it means if yours is all dark and unresponsive? Was this what the end of your marriage was like? You kept trying to turn something on that just wasn’t having it?

After a painful two minutes on one machine with no success, he moved over one machine. Guess what? That machine was broken too. And here we go again. Pushing a rock, pushing a rock, pushing a rock. I watched Lurch try to will another treadmill to life for two minutes. It’s like he couldn’t remember what had just transpired with the one immediately to his right. I gotta wonder what was in the water that his mother was drinking while she was carrying him.

Don’t judge a book by its cover? Okay, but I’m pretty sure I nailed this one.

*I saw Lurch yesterday and secretly photographed him, just in case he turns out to be the next Loch Ness.

**I’m still fully aware of my reserved seat in Hell