When I become the
technical support at my work, shit is about to get hairy. I don’t say this for
nothing, but we have a fucking IT department and I am NOT it. When I got hired
on, “fixing your broken shit” was not in my goddamn job description and I certainly
do not see it line itemed on my pay stub, so call someone else when you can’t
figure out why your monitor doesn’t show a picture. Hey, when the man offers me
health coverage, maybe I’ll give a shit that your ACI files are pulling from
the wrong location. Until then, dial up the dudes that get paid for that shit.
They probably have health insurance too.
It’s not enough that I
hold down two jobs [doing both throughout the day at the same time in the same
place, yet keeping the two separate] but I also get the pleasure of being
burdened with a constant barrage of “Hey, do you know why?” questions. Yes, in
fact I do know why. From now on you
may refer to me as ‘The Seer’. I, apparently, am an all-knowing oracle. I
really thought the perks would be better with a title such as this. I can’t
complete one project without some half-wit asking me if I know if he really needs to download the latest
version of Adobe or if the email he just got telling him that he needs to take
some kind of action looks legitimate. Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Shall I wipe your ass too? Here sweetheart, let me cut your steak for you; you might
hurt yourself with that big knife. I was hired to manage the office,
not manage toddlers. This should be very basic stuff, people!
That’s why I don’t mind
writing on company time. If I have to spend 15 mins swapping out a monitor for
you first thing in the morning because you can’t figure out what’s wrong with
yours, I’m not going to feel guilty. I can’t understand how you couldn’t figure
out that your monitor burnt out in the first place. I’m no rocket scientist,
but if it gets power and the screen is blinking but still black, that
signifies to me that maybe that fucker is shot. The funny thing is, I know
the asshole that swapped monitors with him last night.
John came in this morning
and his monitor was unplugged and he couldn’t figure out why. Then he noticed
that his monitor wasn’t working and still, he couldn’t figure out why. John
marched his Beaver Cleaver ass downstairs and pleaded his case with me. There
were only two of us in the office yesterday. I left early because my kid was
sick with a stomach ache and threatening to shit his pants at school. That left
one person in the office with John’s computer. One person to switch monitors when
his burnt out. He did a crap job of putting shit back together and covering his
tracks. C’mon man, gotta do better than that! I’m never taking you as my
wing-man on a heist. We’d be behind bars in a hot second.
Keeping this one short and
sweet as work continues to nip at my heels like disease ridden rats. The next
sonofabitch that asks me some stupid shit like “Do you know why the printer is
making that sound?” is getting a Swingline stapler up the ass. Yes, fuckmonkey,
it’s making that sound because it’s out of paper. Where did you say you got
your degree from? I fucking hate stupid
people.
*Injury below caused by co-worker stupidity
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