I just can't...

I’ve been hearing this commercial on the radio lately and I laugh and cringe each time I hear it. It’s sad commentary on just how lazy we have become as a nation, on the whole, but that’s just my opinion.

Maybe you’ve heard this commercial for Lola, the organic cotton tampons that you can have delivered to your doorstep. I have so many issues with this. Let’s start with the fact that at no point in my menstrual career has my vagina ever said to me that it prefers organic cotton to the synthetic blends sold at most grocery stores. I think if it had, I might have given some serious thought to the long term effects of drug abuse. Maybe that LSD had a more profound effect on me than previously thought. Swear to God if my vag asked for Egyptian cotton and a 300+ thread count, I would be selling that bitch on the black market. I have “cotton blend” sheets on my bed and I’ll be damned if I’m shoving pristine Egyptian cotton up my who-ha just to bleed on it. Think again little lady. Sell your story waking.

Now let’s talk about why we need them delivered. Are we ashamed? Are we lazy? We’re fucking lazy! C’mon now, we can have shit food like McDonalds and Jack-in-the-Box delivered and believe that there are assholes out there that do. That’s barely marketable as food, but some stoner or lazy twat is out there dialing up some tacos, a shake, and double cheeseburger somewhere at this moment. I have never once asked any of the men that I’ve dated to pick up my sundries and I’m not about to have some random stranger drop a box of miracle plugs off on my doorstep; I don’t care if they are hand selected and spun by monks who pray over them. I prefer to take my bloated and grumpy ass to the grocery store in my slippers while clutching my lower back and throwing shade at anyone and everyone; especially the cashier – poor bastard.

I’m just really perplexed by the whole thing. Why does my vagina need organic cotton tampons? Do they taste better? Someone help me out; I’m lost. With delivery fee and increased cost for organic cotton, are we talking about a $30 box of tampons? Do you understand how many double cheeseburgers that is? If you can help make sense of this bullshit for me, please send data and reference material to rantsandswears@gmail.com.

That’s all. Anyone wanna give me a ride to Jack-in-the-Box for some tacos and an Oreo cookie shake???