Disney shit parents

Disneyland is scary as fuck and if you’ve taken your child under the age of 5 there, you’re a shit parent.

For the last three days I’ve been wandering around Disneyland. It is among the scariest things I have endured as an adult and by far the scariest I have subjected my own child to.

As an adult you’re aware of the germs on everything. Each time a child sneezes or wipes their runny little noses, then touches every fucking thing they see; you become the petri dish where all that shit will grow. Bathroom door handles and vendor cash exchanges are recon missions. Your objective is to triangulate coordinates, draw in close but limit actual ‘physical contact’ and fall back quickly for cover with the rest of your team. That’s just the icing on the shitcake of Disney for adults.

Let’s talk about crowds. Oh, does that makes you anxious and break out in a cold sweat? I know I’d rather shoot a hole in my own foot than stand in line one more time for ‘It’s a Small World’ behind the group of foreign exchange students that have taken 700 selfies but not allowed me to photobomb a single one. Do they not photobomb in Japan? I thought that’s where that shit started.

When you’re a child, all that you see in Disney seems real as fuck. Shame on you parents for slamming your kids into a seat on Pirates of the Caribbean and scaring them with drunken pirates and glowing rat eyes. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride scared the piss out of me as a child and The Matterhorn was fuck all! I didn’t want to go on that shit again until I was an adult and even then I had some reservations. I remember that beast being crazy big and scary as a kid. As an adult I obviously knew he wasn’t real, but I couldn’t rationalize that the fear I had as child was irrational. I was still a pussy about it. Thanks, Mom and Dad; totally your fault. I know that there are rides that I went on as a child that I can’t remember now. I’m certain they were traumatic and I’ve blocked them from recall. I think, again, that Mom and Dad…you guys suck. For my son, Curran: Splash Mountain – Dude, you were older. Get over it.

It’s not a small world. It’s a really big world, with a shit-ton of screaming of children, really grumpy parents, a smorgasbord of germs, and 5 pissed off and underpaid Princesses. I recommend leaving your children at home until they can wrap their tiny little brains around the fact that animatronics are just giant Barbie dolls and that nothing really bad is going to happen to them when the lights go out. Nothing ruins the show for the rest of us like you singing a lullaby to your wailing child while the rest of us are howling “Dead men tell no tales…”

Pro-Tip: It’s super fucking cold. Bundle your brat up. It’s been 50 degrees the last 3 days; I’ve had to wear 3 layers and have still been cold. Just because your infant can’t tell you they’re cold, doesn’t mean they’re not. Use your fucking skull. If you’re cold…so are they.

Thanks for visiting, friends!