I recently had the privilege of taking a cruise from Los Angeles to Ensenada. I’ve never been on a cruise ship before, so this was like a fucking fairy tale – until it wasn’t. Let’s take a trip together.
I love my boyfriend’s parents. Let me say that up front so that there isn’t any confusion later, because imma say some shit.
Thursday morning, after spending 3 days in Disneyland with my boyfriend and his parents, and even my fucked up family for a day – we prepared to board the boat for a 4-day magical mystery tour. With butterflies in our stomachs we approached the counter and greeted the 3-hundred-year old woman with the box dyed hair. “Passports please,” she managed to say between emphysema gasps. I proudly handed her my card; it’s a damn good photo and I wasn’t bashful. Kevin on the other hand looked frazzled. And here we go…
Kevin searches his wallet 2, 3, 4 times and his piece of shit pass card isn’t in there. A myriad of scenarios as to what could have happened to his card go running through my head, but he is certain that it is in his luggage. Ok, cool - I’ll chill the fuck out. He’ll just run downstairs, stop his luggage from getting on the boat and grab it. He’ll come back up and shit will be cool – like a couple of Fonzies. SHIT WAS NOT COOL! Kevin did not find his card and I board this gigantic piece of metal on the sea.
This may be a good time to mention that I chose this trip to quit smoking. Yep – genius. Right now I am into day 3 without a cigarette. So, let’s recap: I’ve just spent 3 days in Disneyland surrounded by hordes of people, spending obscene amounts of money on trivial shit, all without any tobacco. Now, I’m on a boat and I’ve just found out that my boyfriend isn’t getting on this fucking thing with me. I’m riding for 4 days with his parents, his brother, and his sister in law. Still, no cigarette. It’s the evening of day 3.
I’m crying that night in my room when I notice that I have no bottled water from room service. I decided to take a walk to the gift shop to purchase some to take back up to my room. It’s important for you guys to understand: there is NO way he’s coming on the boat at this point and NO way I’m getting off. Reality has just shot me in both feet.
I stagger into the shop with tears in my eyes and look for the refrigerated case. I see nothing. I approach the clerk and ask kindly “Um, I don’t see the refrigerated case; I just want to buy a bottle of water to take up to my room…” but just then I looked over to my left and sitting there on the counter was a basket of full packs of smokes. I am dying. This is hell.
“Yeah, we don’t sell water here, you can get that from the bar,” he says. Fantastic! Can this possibly get any more fucked up? I managed to not buy any cigarettes, but now you tell the alcoholic that she needs to go to the bar to buy water?? I look up at the ceiling and think ‘You’ve certainly got a sick sense of humor, dude. If there are Sharpies in Heaven, I’m drawing a dick on your forehead when and if you sleep. Count on that shit!’
That was the end of my first night. I survived and managed to pull myself together a little more each day. There was so much that happened that I’d like to share, but aside from the little story below I will only mention that I saw sister wives on board. Real life sister wives!! It was crazy.
I was in line for coffee and there were like 4 of them in ankle length skirts with identical hair styles straight from 1983. Shoulder pads and plaid for as far as the eye could tolerate. I felt as though if I had looked for much longer, the whole boat was going to jump into hyper drive and we might never be seen or heard from again. None of them spoke. They all looked at the ground or maybe it was their white shoes (flats) an awful lot for being such hideous footwear. So many questions…I have so many unnecessary questions.
Aboard our cruise ship one of the hosted games was "American football". The premise of this delightful little game was to toss Nerf squishy footballs into makeshift nets. At the beginning of this game, there was no one interested in participating - gee, I wonder why.
It was started off by a really innocent looking Asian woman and her mother. I say innocent "looking" because as it turns out, she was a fucking shark and sunk all 6 footballs. I casually sipped my latte because honestly, I didn't give a shit.
Football shark's mom was next. She was terrible, but she had loads of fun and wore a gigantic smile. I enjoyed just being around her. Her enjoyment of life was infectious. I took a moment to stop being a self-absorbed asshole and looked around; the line had grown. Many were now participating. Some that I wish would go back to their rooms, or better still - jump overboard.
As I sat there listening and somewhat watching, I overheard an older lady holler at one of the men "C'mon Jim, don't be outdone by a woman!" I'm sorry...come again? Did I just hear you correctly, you dirty old wind bag? By this time my coffee wasn't hot enough to walk over and pour on her. Why is it that women seem to always undermine other women? My attention is torn between giving the Crypt Keeper, anti-feminist, the 'I'll murder you' glare and staring obviously at the sister-wives to my right. I'm fascinated.
By this point in the game we have about 7 contestants: 4 women and 3 men. I could waste your time describing each of them, but I'll just say that two of the men were 'good 'ol boy' football types and the 3rd was Japanese. The women varied. Two were Asian (Lam & Mom), Michelle who was disabled and Shannon who seemed to be average in every way possible. Lam slaughtered all of them. *hahahah…slaughter…Lam…*
I did the tallying of the scores after two rounds:
Japanese guy: 0
Football hero #1: 3
Football hero #2 aka Jim: 5
As you can see, in spite of the fact that the women had more participants, only two actually scored, thereby leveling the playing field – so to speak.
Special thanks to Jim’s wife for being such a bitch. I never would have started this little rant had it not been for you. It’s a lonely world out there if you only support men when you have a face like yours, honey. Might want to think about that. I’ll lift up my fellow lady…ya gotta be a lady first though.
We'll be taking another trip to Alaska in upcoming months. Stay tuned for that rant; there's bound to be some good shit in that one. This was rather watered-down. I promise if Kevin forgets his passport again though, you'll be seeing me post from inside the county jail once a month when we get internet access from the library. At least I think that's how it works.