you lying little shit (shithole)

Children are shitty little lie factories. It’s a given that they are going to lie to you. If you haven’t resolved yourself to this fact of life [starts singing Facts of Life theme song] then you are clearly forgetting your own childhood, underestimating the evil in your spawn, and setting yourself up for a lifetime dependency on antacids and laxatives. You will remain in a perpetual state of burning rage or contraction.

In a good week, I am able stop myself from lying to people at least three times. This shit comes at a price. Every time I’m reluctantly honest, a puppy dies somewhere. Kidding; it’s just a hamster and no one really likes them anyway - toothy little fuckers. For real, truth is fucking hard, you guys. No one likes doing real work when the alternate route is a trip to Cancun in comparison. I always have my bottle of Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion, SPF 4. We’ll gloss over the shit-ton of times when honesty is indeed the road less traveled by yours truly. I’m growing spiritually though. Sometimes these growth spurts come with ease and I feel all Buddha –like and others I feel like someone shoved a white-hot metal rod right up my ass. Growing up for me didn’t stop at adolescence; thanks addiction and destructive coping skills! I am an Afterschool Special!

It should come as no surprise to me, getting an email from my son’s teacher that he’s not completing his homework assignments on time; the very same assignments that he told me that he a) either never had or b) had completed. Lying little shit looked me dead in the eye said “Yep, I finished my homework. I finished my math homework.” As his mother, I knew EXACTLY what that meant. You have to know what to listen for. So, what other homework was there? “Oh, I guess I still have 30 mins of online compass learning.” Oh, you guess? You evasive little shit! Sit the fuck down and stop trying to play me like a chump. Clearly I don’t talk to my child like this [all the time] hence the lack of quotation marks around my responses, for those of you that literary minded. I was calm, but firm. I made sure his homework was done, but I really, really wanted to shake the little turd. Don’t lie to me. You’re not good at it, and you’re essentially telling me that you think I’m a moron. I’m not a fucking moron. I gave birth to you; I know your moves before you make them. I laid down the framework for your DNA. I laid down the framework for your DNA – fuck me.

It’s almost comical to watch him fumble around his lies. Fumblefuck: new term - watch it blow up. The shit he thinks now is so important to hide, is so damn trivial, but I’m not going to waste too much energy trying to convince him of that. I already had the talk where I tell him that I appreciate honesty, that lying makes trust harder in the future, and that these things are minutia in comparison to the car he’ll total or the girl he’ll get pregnant. I told you that I’m in the running for Mother of Year, right? He still thinks he needs to lie about a little hole he put in the wall [because maybe the cat did it] and whip cream that is missing [because again, the cats did it with their brand new opposable thumbs]. It’s wrong that I enjoy watching him tangle himself in his bullshit every so often, isn’t it? So much of me in him… so fucked…

So here we are: all privileges revoked. This is horrible. This is why I wish he wouldn’t lie to me. I’m miserable. We now have to “do stuff”. He’s insufferable, I’m miserable, and we’re doing it “together.” This sucks balls. My 10 yr. old is teaching me a valuable lesson about truth. If I am not honest, there is a good chance that I’ll be forced to interact with people as punishment. I think I’m ready for a some changes. I’m pushing my personal limits. New goal: 6 occurrences of reluctant honesty per week from my current 3. I don’t always “honest” well, but I sure as fuck don’t “people” any better. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Thanks, kid!