PSA

The Fall and Winter seasons are evil sons of bitches, waging toy solider warfare on my emotional stability. I’m already precariously poised on the ledge of sanitarium material 2 weeks out each month; this is gaslighting. By the time March rolls around I have convinced myself I belong in a psych ward eating paste and playing checkers with my imaginary friends. I’m only sticking around the next few months for the Pumpkin Spice lattes.

It wasn’t always like this; I remember being happy and anticipating the approach of this time of year. It’s not that way today and I blame working in retail for a number of years. I think I suffered some irreparable PTSD. That shit is real, folks! I can’t step foot in the mall during Christmas time. I break out in cold sweats and I am drawn to the nearest store that looks like the lines are too long and I immediately try to start help gift wrapping shit. Three’s a crowd, bitches! It’s all bad; automatic response bullshit. I need a Shaman to deprogram my ass. I used to enjoy the sights and smells of Thanksgiving and Christmas but today this shit is just too overwhelming. If I could spend the next few months in my sweat pants sporting potato chip dust and soda pop stains as accessories; believe I would. Unfortunately, I don’t get paid for that shit. If anyone has any leads on how I can make that a profession, please send correspondence to: rantsandswears@gmail.com. I have zero shame and will sell out to anyone for the right price. Just saying…

I don’t really know where I’m going with this; I never really do, but I was out running errands today and watching all the happy people today and it struck me: I am fucking miserable. I don’t often get so disgusting that I judge people on sight [total fucking bullshit, I do it all the time and I do it for fun] but today I was in rare form. It was weird though. I would start to get pissed off at some assholes shitty driving or crappy attitude and I would start to do that ‘How it Should Have Ended’ thing in my head where I play out my crazy alternate universe endings…and I would fizzle out. It’s so disappointing. It’s like stopping in the middle of having sex and just walking away. Deep sigh…. You can’t even go back to that once you feel better and pick back up where you left off. You men ever try that shit? Stop mid-way through a sexual act because you aren’t “feelin it” and then try to come back to the same spot later? Nice fucking try. Awkward as fuck!!! I’m the Queen of awkward and even I can’t pull that shit off.

I know other people suffer from seasonal depression too, but they don’t count. I‘m the one in pain and wearing sour cream and onion chip dust on my shirt and in my hair at the moment. I guess I’m just hoping that if I bore you guys with it for a little bit – if I burden you with my weight; I can go back to being the same loveable, bitchy, passive-aggressive, sometimes hostile woman that you’ve come to appreciate. I just don’t even have the energy to do all the things I want to do.  

Maybe someone reading this suffers from depression too. Who knows, maybe my happy ass isn’t terminally unique. I still want to know if I can make a career out of being a fat, lazy slob. I will practice restraint of pen and just say that there are soooo many fucking people in Hollywood right now doing just that, why the fuck can’t I? Don’t make me play the minority card! I’m not above that shit either. Female, Hispanic and if I have to say I’m a lesbian – I will. Enough people will say they aren’t surprised. Where is my ticket?

Other people…right. If you qualify as “other people” and you’re suffering from depression, please know that you’re not alone. There are resources available if you need. I’d be happy to help you find them if you are in need; just email me. Keep your head up too; shit could be worse. You could be an asshole like me too. I’ve heard it said somewhere: This too shall pass.

In all sincerity: If you are struggling and need help, please feel free to reach out to me privately and I will be more than happy to listen, correspond and try to help locate resources in your area. Sometimes we just need to know that someone else hears us and understands.  Be the change you want to see.