Oh, For Fuck's Sake
The Golden Showers Award or Sunshine Blogger Award (whatever)
Apparently, when you write enough crap, people are tired of seeing your name pop up in their feed, and they bestow you with fake awards to shut you up.
I’ve seen the Liebster Award (fake) which is given to bloggers who are known for their kindness and pleasant nature. I trip children at the park, I’m not ever getting this award.
My asshole friend, Kieran (we’re only internet buddies, I have no real friends) decided to nominate me for the Sunshine Blogger Award. I assume he did this because he either ran out of solid bloggers to add to this list, or he was day drinking again and thought it’d be funny. The rules say I must thank him though, so, whatever. Thanks.
You can find him on Twitter https://twitter.com/KieranBullshit or you can go directly to the source for some truly hilarious shit. The man has a gift and unnaturally light skin. I could tan just standing next to him. Do yourself a favor and check out his page.
- Thank the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you. (Thank God he’s lazy and only presented 3)
- Nominate new blogs to receive the award and write them somewhere between 3 and 11 new questions. Or do what you want, I’m the boss.
- List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your post/or on your blog.
- Notify the nominees about it by commenting on one of their blog posts.
Here are the questions Kieran asked me:
1. What gives your life meaning and purpose?
I kinda like my kid. Well, I did, until I got the little shithead’s report card and found out he failed 3 classes and got D’s in two others. Lying little asswipe.
I enjoy watching sports mishaps. I’m fairly dedicated to that and feel serenity and gratitude after about 20 minutes of gruesome bone breaks and near-death impalement.
I like helping people when and where I can. Having been through addiction myself, if anything that I’ve done or have been through helps another – keeps them from making similar mistakes, then it wasn’t for nothing. It was a win.
2. Why do you waste your time on a blog (other than the narcissism and babyish need for attention)?
He nailed it with “narcissism and babyish need for attention.” You mean there are other reasons to blog? Fuck! I know dick about makeup application and 70% of what I cook comes from a package. I am not Susie Homemaker. You will not see me writing an inspirational blog and my mommy days are long over. This babybox was decommissioned during the Clinton administration. I have zero useful tips for new parents. At least, none that any new parent wants to hear.
Let the kid crawl on the floor! Let the kid put dirty shit in its mouth. YOU, parent, are the fucking problem. You’re the reason Timmy and Tanya are going to grow up to be sniveling pussies who are always sick and have gluten and dairy intolerances.
I blog because I'll unleash my crazy shit on the unsuspecting public if I don’t occasionally unscrew the cap a little every so often. Therapy is expensive. This is the alternative. Besides, it must make some of you feel better reading my crap and realizing, hey, at least I’m not as fucked up as that bitch!
3. What makes you laugh/feel good.
The lobster and I laugh together - a lot. We make one another laugh and we both feel good. He’ll read this later and I’ll reassure him that it makes us both feel good. I’ll raise my eyebrow to reinforce the seriousness.
There’s usually not laughter after sex, more along the lines of giggling and, “thank you, honey.” So yes, I stand with my first answer: sex. I’ll only add that the aforementioned sex is with my husband and not some random dick.
Barring that, I’m insufferable and find no joy in anything. The exceptions to this are: athletes who fuck up, kids who eat shit at the playground, and animals doing silly animal stuff.
Kieran was a selfish fucker and stole all the writers (ok, like two of them) that I would have nominated. He must be an only child. However, I think I may have found an appropriate response. In keeping with his own dealings (breaking “no backsies” rule), my first nominee is, of course, the bemusing bullshit artist.
- Kieran’sBullshit Humor: Regularly funny, cookie advocate, once ate a tamale with the husk on. Read here: https://kieranbullshit.com/
- SheWrites Good: Witty, down to earth, mom & wife with everyday drama, also a nominee of that fake Liebster award. All-around charmer. Find her here: https://shewritesgood.com/
- StumpedMom: Tackles issues some aren’t comfortable discussing so openly. She confronts sex, sexism, gender roles and more. She’s also a good friend. Check out her work: https://stumpedmom.com/
* Land Manatee, I would nominate you, but it just feels like I’d be doing ya dirty. How many times do you really want to do this shit, man? Just know, if Kieran wasn’t so fucking selfish, you would’ve made my list. *
Questions for the Troops
If you’re still following this, God bless you. Let’s tie this bitch up.
Answer the following in your own blog:
- How do you measure success? (not necessarily professionally, could be personally)
- What do you worry about most and why?
- Waffles of Pancakes?
- If you could be any superhero or villain, who would you be? Why?
That, I think concludes this session of Golden Showers. I mean, Golden Globes. Uh, Sunshine something or other. Same difference.