Suck it!

I am on the precipice of a mental breakdown and my co-worker is a sudden gust of wind blowing manufactured trauma through the office. “Why should I have to ask for a straw?” he grumbles, sending shock waves of disgust coursing through my racked body. Because you just do, you entitled fuckwad. Is it so hard to ask for a fucking straw? Are you so ridiculously entitled that you think these things are your right of ownership? Is it just me, or is it just a goddamn straw? Ask for it, say thank you, and be done with it. Even the marine life is tired of hearing this guy bitch about it. Somewhere, a sea turtle is sharpening a straw against the coral reef; turning it into a weapon. Fuck this straw crybaby!

People who complain about the tax on grocery bags are equally pathetic. Here’s the thing, the people voted on it. So, the majority decided to implement the bag tax. You don’t approve of that outcome? Too bad. Shit won’t always work in your favor. Quit wailing about how “unfair” it is; get yourself some reusable bags. Stop being a sniveling pussy. Or, pay the fucking 10 cents. It’s not price gouging, assholes.

Crash Course: Today, the population of the world is roughly 7,795,482,309. That means more than just you. I could spend an eternity breaking this down into minutia about population and voting demographics, or I could simply tell you that there are a plethora of opinions and that you are not the only one out there casting a vote. A bit egocentric, no?

Gas prices are rising. Yeah, it sucks. I get it. While you’re yelling at me about prop 6 and how I fucked up, let’s not forget how it’s not a renewable resource though. Tell me all about your pump woes while you’re filing the Super Duty truck that you purchased of your own accord. I’d love to hear how that wasn’t a choice that you made.

The bottom line is, for better or worse, we’re in this bullshit together. There’s plenty of shit I don’t endorse and don’t cry about on a regular basis. Why? Because I’m outnumbered. The Bachelor, for example. We’re going to make a reality show about a rich guy that several chicks are trying to bang and marry? Fascinating. Color me enthralled. POTUS? I didn’t vote for him. I also don’t bash him or cry about his batshit policies and childish antics with equal fervor.

There is certain to be a backlash. I’ve outed myself as a bag tax loving, gas hike embracing, progressive. I’ll take my lumps like a big girl. What I’ll also do like a big girl, is ask for a mother fucking straw when I want one without being a little bitch about it.