When we die, and we go to Heaven, because that's where my ticket is stamped for, do we need to pack a bag? If so, I could be fucked.
When checking myself into rehab, I did a stellar job of packing for the occasion. I remember, only now, being shitfaced-hammered and haphazardly emptying the contents of my dresser into my luggage. Furiously, I grabbed at items on hangars in my closet and fumbled through the motions of folding. I placed the items into my suitcases as best I could, seeing double and barely able to stand.
You may scoff, but this is a legitimate question. The last couple of weeks I've been daunted by thoughts of mortality, dying, Heaven, Hell, and where I'll set up my lawn chair once I get there. If limbo is real, I hope they don't serve ambrosia while playing U2 over a loudspeaker. That would be the most excruciating way for me to spend eternity.
Once I had arrived at my rehabilitation center and had a chance to unpack, that's when I understood the gravity of my situation. I'd need to call for backup. Houston, we have a problem.
Attempting to put my belongings away in my new temporary home, I was shocked at how well I'd managed to pack for detox and rehab.
- 1 French maid outfit
- 3 bikini's
- 2 more lingerie outfits, although not of the French maid scope
- Business attire
- 1 silk robe, purple
- 2 pair of flip-flops
- Zero personal hygiene products
- and 1 pair of high heels - stiletto
So, I ask you again, will I be required to pack for the everlasting or does shit just magically appear as needed? I've seen "The Good Place." They didn't pack, they just died. Even I can manage that. It seems that they just ask for stuff and that fem-bot, Janet, makes it appear. Will there be a "Janet" in my version of Heaven? Can she wipe U2 from all of history? That would be ah-may-zing! Swipe which direction to reject? Yes, that. I would do that to U2 and ambrosia salad.
I've done some pretty terrible shit in my time on this planet. There's plenty of time for me to fuck up some more too. I've also done some halfway redeemable crap. I'm middle of the road as far as human beings go, I think. Then again, isn't it always the ones who fancy themselves that usually have the biggest, foulest load of shit in their pants? I digress.
Will it always be sunny in Heaven? Should I pack dresses? Will it be windy? Perhaps a coat is in order? Should I count on bringing plenty of underwear or can I just bring a week's worth and trust that no one is going to bogart the washing machine? That brings me to my next question: BYOB? [Bring your own bleach]
Time is running short. I'd like to touch on what one should pack for an everlasting Hellscape, but I have to go pick my kid up from school, so it's kind of the same thing.
Until next time...
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