simpleidiot

Do idiots know they’re idiots? Seriously, do you folks wake up and go “Fuck, I better stay inside today, I’m a dumbass.” Do people who hang their personal drama out on social media like freshly washed but still skid-marked undergarments know that they’re pitiful?

I already lack in the patience department, so when I run across these assholes, the restraint it requires to keep me from tossing chairs ends up knocking 2 months off my life expectancy. 2 months a pop! In another couple of weeks I’ll be working backwards. I can’t wait to be 23 again; that was a good year.

Let me be clear about a couple of things: I understand the need to share personal struggles and get feedback and/or reinforcements from faceless strangers. Okay, that was a dig. We all have moments when we need to hear kind words from our “friends” [oops, did it again] to help lift us up, but if I see your shit blasted daily on social media in some desperate act of attention fishing, I will set up a Go Fund Me for some therapy sessions for you. Clearly, it’s needed and I’m not paying for it. I’d just as soon get myself a boob job and a few pairs of shoes; we’re probably talking about the same amount of money to see results – for either of us.

I don’t take issue with the occasional post about struggling with something, but how about not hitting me daily with bullshit vague posts implicating someone else and their part in your miserable situation? If you’re going to whine daily and publicly, have the balls to put the other person on blast. Use their name, quit being a pussy. We’re unfortunately subjected to your posts, so at least make it worth our time.

Also, by using their name, you give them the opportunity to speak up for themselves. They deserve that. You give their friends and family the opportunity to come to their defense as well. You obviously don’t mind getting the attention, but are you willing to back up the actions you took to get there? If not, maybe you ought to confide in a special friend and do the rest of us a favor.

If you’re an idiot, you probably don’t know it. It’s not like when you’re fat or ugly. You know that shit. We have mirrors for that. I won’t leave the house if I’m wearing something that I feel is unflattering to my thighs. These bitches are in charge! I’m not fat, but my thighs are commanding, for sure. Thankfully, I have a mirror in my bedroom that prevents me from leaving the house and committing crimes against humanity.

I do the same in the morning when I pluck my eyebrows. Sure, there is a mild gratification derived from pulling hair from my face, but the driving force behind the action is to prevent retinal assault. If I let my brows grow out, I may end up being mistaken for Sasquatch and shot at and tagged. Bigfoot: the myth, the legend, the woman with a unibrow.

Imagine if you awoke and the mirror said to you: “Get your ass back in bed; you’re too stupid for today.” How many lives would be saved? Stocks on stress balls would plummet and no one would need a fucking Zen garden at their desk. No one really likes sand at their desk. This isn’t 1994. I would spend good money on a mirror that fed it to me straight. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the dullest of us all?  

Simplehuman is a privately owned designer and manufacturer of kitchen, bath, and beauty tools. I own one of their sensor-activated vanity mirrors. I use the shit out it! I use it to pluck my unruly brows even though my husband dropped it and cracked the mirror. I’m not buying another one because those things are crazy fucking expensive. *disclaimer: I didn’t buy first one, my mom gave it to me*

What I’d love to see happen is for Simplehuman to design my mirror; the one that tells you when you’re too much of a tool to join the general public for the day. If they can further work on narrowing it down to your major faults, that would be even more amazing. I know this can work. Let’s see some action, guys! One asshole at a time, let’s simplify this shit.