On a scale from 1-10 how pretty is your pet’s anus?
Don’t re-read that, you read it correctly the first time. I want to know if your pet has a pretty asshole. Not pretty, like you want to thumb it, but is it aesthetically pleasing enough that you’d consider adopting it from a shelter? Is it so disgusting that you’d leave the poor beast to live out its days in confinement, or at least until some other lonely bastard with failing eyesight wanders in and, being unable to stand another night of Swanson TV dinners in front of Wheel of Fortune alone anymore, walks out with a new companion. A new companion with a gaping asshole.
I was talking to my husband last night; I try to do that about once a month. We have sex about as often. Keeps the marriage alive and my name fresh in his mind. That time he called me by some other bitch’s name was awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. We were discussing our none-too-bright cat. We adopted the little bag of shit and catnip from the shelter about 3 years ago. I don’t regret choosing him, I regret not interviewing other cats for the position more thoroughly. Pickings were slim at that shelter, but was I hasty?
We walked through the shelter and did a meet and greet with several potential roomies. Many of them were very sweet. There were a few that I would have taken in a heartbeat had it not been for some serious deal breaker shit. There was a bonded pair; that was unfortunate. One was super fucking cute and I would have snatched in hot second, the bonded cat however, was bonded for a reason. No one was going to adopt that sad sack of shit as a standalone. I’ve seen prettier sewer rats.
Two doors down there was a lovely Calico. I love Calicos but wasn’t fond of the formation of this one’s markings. They were asymmetrical in a way that really bothered my OCD. I wanted to rearrange all the little patterns on its body. The light and dark patterns seemed off balance and it was really pissing me off. I drew a big line through that cat’s name on my mental list.
Then there was the white cat. Soft and perfectly gentle. No asshole in their right mind with a wardrobe like mine adopts a white cat. When you own more black clothing than a Catholic woman in a perpetual state of mourning, you DO NOT adopt a white cat, unless you’re braindead. I told myself that I could make do with lint rollers. I’d keep tape in my car and at my desk, it would just become a way of life. Then the cat meowed. Nope. Fuck off. Get lost. Eat shit and go fuck yourself. If New Jersey had a sound, you, my little furry friend, would be it. I won’t bring that hostility into my home. Next!
The last cat before Mugen.
My husband and I had already visited with all the cats once over. There was one left. I had saved what I thought would be the best for last. I have a fondness for orange cats. There he was. My knight in shining armor. He was going to be our hero of the day. We walked into the kennel to make our introduction. First sniff. Okay, rad…that went well.
I’ve heard him meow. Sweet! He has a tolerable sound. I don’t want to drop kick him. This is going swimmingly! I feel so good about this meet and greet. My husband lets me do my thing. You see, this was my idea and he understands that if I don’t get my cat, I’m going to be a total bitch. I’m talking bitch on an insufferable scale. So, my husband is in the corner watching. I’m playing with the cat. It’s a Garfield cat; a bit on the chunky side. Even chunky cats need love. It’s cool. Garfield and I are talking, and things are well. Then it happens, he turns around. It’s. Fucking. Over.
This cat has the most enormous ass I’ve ever seen. Protruding anal glands are now visible. I back up a full three feet and exclaim “Whoa, what the fuck is that?!” The shelter volunteer looks and assures me that it’s normal. Not in my world, lady. Protruding anal glands are about as “normal” and acceptable to me as a vestigial tail. So, you, lady, can go fuck right off and take me back to the cat with no fur on his hind legs. The one that looks like a bag of bones. I want that one.
I’m shallow as a motherfucker and will not, no matter how much I love orange kitties, bring an abomination with swollen anal glands into my home. I don’t want it dragging its nasty ass all over my furniture. I don’t want to feel its little asshole on my thigh when it sits in my lap. We just can’t do any real bonding that way. No Sir, you can keep your ugly ass right here in this shelter until someone with failing eyesight comes in and with great mercy, takes you home. Remember to be grateful to that blind sonofabitch. I know I am.
Is bleaching your cat’s ass considered animal cruelty? Oh, go fuck yourselves, it was just a hypothetical.