From hot to cold in 2 minutes flat

The quickest and most surefire way to kill my sex-drive is to begin talking about financial affairs. You will effectively throw my libido into full reverse without slowing down. The engine will drop out. Way to go, tiger! Killin’ it…or not, as the case may be.

For most of the day I’ve been looking forward to going home. It’s been hellishly hot in our area, and our air conditioning unit took a shit God knows when. We never use the damn thing - until now.

It was 97 degrees inside my apartment when I went to turn on my central air the other day. Much to my dismay, I found the fucking thing was broken. It dribbled lukewarm air from the vents with all the enthusiasm of a teenager mopping the kitchen floor. So, for the last four days I’ve been sitting in an upstairs, well furnished, oven. Why then, you might ask, have I been excited to go home? Well, you see, my husband fixed that shit! That’s right, there’s cold air pumping through my apartment right now.

As soon as I was informed of this delightful turn of events, I mentally closed all the blinds in the house, grabbed the coconut oil (because it’s trendy as fuck now and I hear that shit is amazing) and queued up the romantic “mood” music. Strike the music, my kid isn’t home this week, so I don’t give a fuck if the neighbors hear us. It’s been a while and I’m really looking forward to this.

Just when I think I’m going to punch out early, change my gym plans and surprise my man, we begin to text. And that’s when all the pieces to beautifully constructed sexscape came crashing down. Never EVER talk money before you’re about to get nasty. Like ever, ever! Within a mere matter of minutes, I went from We can be in any room we like  to I swear if he doesn’t answer that last text Imma be pissed. I became the Mojave; the angry Mojave Desert. Dry and hostile.

Now, I’m not saying that my mind won’t change again. We ALL have needs. But men, if you’re reading this, and you have even an inkling that you’re going to get lucky in any way, shape, or form, do yourself a favor and steer the fuck clear of any talk of sensitive topics. I’ll do you a solid and list some to stay away from.

Don’t engage in talk about the following (either verbal or text *especially text*)

·        Money

·        Money (just need to make sure you get it)

·        Religion

·        Politics

·        Her weight

·        Her family

·        Her friends

·        Her ugly pet

·        Her work (unless you can offer comfort and support NOT advice)

In fact, you should probably just stick to compliments and very little else until you seal the deal. Just my two cents, but what the fuck do I know about this shit?

Oh hell, it’s 5’clock. Time to go home, sit around in my nice, cool apartment, stare at my phone until dinner time, and then watch tv until bedtime.

Not all is lost, at least I’ll be cool. It’ll be nice to get a good night’s sleep; a hot and bothered, good night’s sleep.