Dirty motherfuckers

I love going to concerts. I love everything about them except for anything that isn’t exclusively the music. Long lines, exorbitant fees, drunk people, smoke, cold temperatures, tall people standing in front of me – this shit all sucks. The music is what makes it all tolerable. Last night was no exception. I was in good spirits though and even the overweight lesbian security guard that gave me the ‘pat down’ couldn’t break my stride. It was actually oddly erotic and a little embarrassing.

Her: “I’m going to have you turn away and face the wall then I’m going to run my hands down the length of your legs” she explained

Me: “Uh huh”

Her: “Now I’m going to feel around your pockets and belt”

Me: “Mmm kay”

Her: “This is me running along the your bra line”

Me: “Yep”

**Clean up on aisle “Haven’t done Bi shit since I was in college”

Once I gathered my composure we got our asses inside and posted up on the floor; this would be our concert real estate for the next 3 hours. I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you guys I am very fucking serious about my concert real estate. There will be dancing – I get that. There will be elbows, hair, feet and beer – I get that. Respect my space though. Don’t be a fucking prick and there won’t be a problem. I often introduce myself so that I know the people I’m about to be up close and personal with. Why the fuck is she telling us this shit you may be asking yourselves. It’s relevant. We’ll get there, but first let’s talk about the opening act.

The Dirty Hooks took the stage at their set time of 8pm. I love it when a band comes to stage on time. It’s dark and I am barely able to make out the 3 shapes taking the stage, but I’m fairly certain the one on drums has long hair and boobs. Holy shit! It’s Sex Bob Omb from Scott Pilgrim. Fuck yeah! The lead singer even kind of looks like the vegan. The drummer though, she looks nothing like Allison Pill, who plays Kim in Scott Pilgrim. This drummer has dark hair, bangs, and a set of pipes on her that stopped me dead in my tracks. She’s a little rockabilly, a little punk rock, and all kick ass. This band [which is unsigned, by the way] is my newest infatuation. I plan to learn everything about them. I want a full length poster for my bedroom door like I used to have for New Kids on the Block when I was in 8^th grade. I’ll grow my hair out just like hers and even cut myself some bangs. I fucking hate bangs. I’ll do that shit though; I can be a hardcore fan girl. Matching tattoo placement too. Just kidding, I’m not that creepy. I’ll probably just get a doll in her likeness and brush its hair every night. 

Without fail – without rhyme or reason, I always seem to end up standing next to the mortgage broker or financial advisor type who has either had 7 drinks too many or 7 too few. He’s either been drinking for far too long or needs to continue drinking to cross back over that thin line where drunken slobbery reverts to ‘I’ve had too much, I should sit this one out or sleep it off’. This night would be no different.

I found myself standing next to some lubricant God and his harem. There was so much product in his hair that when people started lighting their joints around him, I was genuinely concerned for his welfare. Spontaneous combustion: the show at the Observatory not on the ticket but totally worth the bullshit I was putting up with. ‘Deranged Dick’ was grinding on these girls with his back to me. He seemed to think that he could nudge me out of my position on the floor. He kept trying to use his back and elbows to move me. This was more than just being drunk, this was passive relocation. He doesn’t know me. I don’t fuck around with my real estate. I am immovable. Fuck off. This jackwad is so obnoxious that I’m going to vomit on his alligator shoes just to get him to leave. I don’t feel ill, I just want him to go. I can hear him tell his company that the music is making him horny. Yes! That’s so damn hot. Please take me outside and fuck me in your car!!  I love it when men slobber teenage vernacular into my shoulder. You want to refer to it as a “pee-pee” next? He left shortly thereafter and took Barbie and her clones with him.

Stone Temple Pilots takes the stage and the very first song they play creeps me the fuck out. I’m not sure how many of you know this, but the original lead singer to STP is dead. Yup, fucking dead. This new dude comes out and starts playing Wicked Garden for the 1^st song. The lyrics go: “cause I’m alive - so alive now, I know the darkness binds you.” Now, I don’t know about anyone else there that evening, but I felt like maybe that wasn’t the opening song to have gone with because I’m in the crowd thinking: nope, you’re fucking dead. Jeff [new lead singer] even has the little hip sway and holds the mic stand the way that Weiland used to – clingingly. Weiland did it to steady himself, I’m sure, but this guy doing it is freaking me out a little. Overall, the sound was great and if you blindfolded me, I might not be able to tell the difference.

I learned something on this evening. I learned that I have no filter and not nearly enough fear. Let’s meet my new friend, Cracked Cobhan. I have no earthly idea what his real name is, but Cobhan means ‘dwells by the hillside hollow’ and that’s as close to The Hills Have Eyes and Pet Cemetery as I think I can get.

This motherfucker was 10x’s creepier than KY King. I’m certain that he’d have strangled me in the hallway with his shoelaces if gifted the opportunity. It’s a very long story. I’ll save you the back and forth. What it boiled down to, was this guy was uncomfortably close to women and tried to touch one. I didn’t like that and got involved. He’d already been trying to passively relocate me, and I wasn’t having that either, so when I confronted him on his handsy behavior, he was less than enthusiastic about complying. This shitstain and I faced off for a good 2 mins. I resisted the urge to spit on him; I’m not above that type of shit in these situations either. He was loaded and full of hatred. If he was waiting for me to step back, he’d be waiting a long time. He’d be up to his eyeballs swimming in piss by the time I’d back down. I stared at him and defiantly said “what?!”

Chobani took a step towards me but I stood firm. I had already assessed my surroundings and mapped out my attack in my minds eye. I’d fight dirty. I’d bite his arm then run up behind him, jump on back and gouge out his eyes. I didn’t have to though, because I had friends with me and other bystanders who saw what was happening by this point. Several people asked him to leave. He was really fucking up the show. I came to see the Weiland doppelgänger and now I’m exchanging pleasantries with a dude who didn’t count on the fact that I can speak Spanish. Ha!! Surprise motherfucker! You can’t talk shit to your friends behind you when the little white girl next to you understands your animal ass. Yes, when you attempt to grope women while intoxicated in the dark and then defend that behavior, you are an animal. Go get fucked.

The rest of the show went on without consequence. Well…except for the chick fight. I missed that though and wasn’t directly involved, so I can’t speak to that one. I do know that some broad got hit in the face, but that is second hand information. I’m sorry I missed it. That’s all I can say on that one. Oh, and the other girl probably had it coming.

This is so much longer than I anticipated and so unfunny. I’m sorry you made it this far. If this were preschool, you’d get a gold star. Way to go!!! See you next time boys and girls.