Thursday, February 15, 2018

I'm not the fucking IT dept!

When I become the technical support at my work, shit is about to get hairy. I don’t say this for nothing, but we have a fucking IT department and I am NOT it. When I got hired on, “fixing your broken shit” was not in my goddamn job description and I certainly do not see it line itemed on my pay stub, so call someone else when you can’t figure out why your monitor doesn’t show a picture. Hey, when the man offers me health coverage, maybe I’ll give a shit that your ACI files are pulling from the wrong location. Until then, dial up the dudes that get paid for that shit. They probably have health insurance too.

It’s not enough that I hold down two jobs [doing both throughout the day at the same time in the same place, yet keeping the two separate] but I also get the pleasure of being burdened with a constant barrage of “Hey, do you know why?” questions. Yes, in fact I do know why. From now on you may refer to me as ‘The Seer’. I, apparently, am an all-knowing oracle. I really thought the perks would be better with a title such as this. I can’t complete one project without some half-wit asking me if I know if he really needs to download the latest version of Adobe or if the email he just got telling him that he needs to take some kind of action looks legitimate. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Shall I wipe your ass too? Here sweetheart, let me cut your steak for you; you might hurt yourself with that big knife. I was hired to manage the office, not manage toddlers. This should be very basic stuff, people!

That’s why I don’t mind writing on company time. If I have to spend 15 mins swapping out a monitor for you first thing in the morning because you can’t figure out what’s wrong with yours, I’m not going to feel guilty. I can’t understand how you couldn’t figure out that your monitor burnt out in the first place. I’m no rocket scientist, but if it gets power and the screen is blinking but still black, that signifies to me that maybe that fucker is shot. The funny thing is, I know the asshole that swapped monitors with him last night.

John came in this morning and his monitor was unplugged and he couldn’t figure out why. Then he noticed that his monitor wasn’t working and still, he couldn’t figure out why. John marched his Beaver Cleaver ass downstairs and pleaded his case with me. There were only two of us in the office yesterday. I left early because my kid was sick with a stomach ache and threatening to shit his pants at school. That left one person in the office with John’s computer. One person to switch monitors when his burnt out. He did a crap job of putting shit back together and covering his tracks. C’mon man, gotta do better than that! I’m never taking you as my wing-man on a heist. We’d be behind bars in a hot second.



Keeping this one short and sweet as work continues to nip at my heels like disease ridden rats. The next sonofabitch that asks me some stupid shit like “Do you know why the printer is making that sound?” is getting a Swingline stapler up the ass. Yes, fuckmonkey, it’s making that sound because it’s out of paper. Where did you say you got your degree from? I fucking hate stupid people. 

 *Injury below caused by co-worker stupidity 


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