Fuck yo couch!

The holiday season is so festive and joyful; I’d like to drag my muddy shoes thru its living room and put my feet up on its couch. 

Everywhere I look assholes have antlers and wreaths attached to their vehicles like warnings to other motorists: “You should probably get out of our way, we’re on our way to JC Penny for our annual Christmas photo and then lunch at Red Robin. But first, we’re going to circle the parking lot 15 times in hopes of getting the closest possible spot and wait for the family of 7 that is packing up the global warmer they’re driving – so it’ll be about 13 minutes. You’re good, right?” Maybe I’m the only one that feels that way.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day to catalog the ways in which I’d like to sabotage people who do stupid shit like this, so instead I’ve compiled a few of my pet peeves onto this scented list. I can smell it. You can’t, but I can. It smells like crisp linens, mulberry and vodka. I just miss the smell of alcohol and thought ‘fuck it’ I’m running with it. 

1.     People who can’t be punctual – Fuck you, you inconsiderate twat waffles. If we’ve set plans, there is a good chance that I’ve re-arranged something else in my life. Show up on time – you are not the center of the universe. I am.

2.     People who clip their nails in public – You want to pretend like you don’t know anyone like this. It’s ok, I do too. There’s always one person with absolutely no shame. It’s fucking gross, do that shit at home. 

3.     People who chew with their mouths open – You know who you are. I’ve gotten up from tables and left restaurants for this reason; this reason and this reason alone. We hadn’t even spoken to a server yet, so I had no one to be angry with. The family at the table next to us was obnoxious and we left. Screw not being able to eat your own food because the rhythm of someone else chewing theirs is fucking you up.

4.     Mouth breathers – So basically anything obnoxious with your face will piss me off. Don’t do it.

5.     People who say “irregardless” OMG!! Mother fuckers, it IS NOT a word and I will slap you. Equally offensive to me: “I could care less” and “For all intensive purposes” [even the grammar corrector attempted to fix that shit] My skin crawls. Look, I don’t want to hit you, but that’s where this will go. I have very little control over my impulses – my bank account is evidence of that. 

Five feels like a good place to leave this for now. I’m always complaining about something anyway, so check back with me in a couple of days.