Hieroglyphics

We live in a society of entitled little bitches. Chances are you’re one too. Don’t get upset; I’m one. If you don’t think you qualify, check out the last few text messages you’ve sent and the emoji’s you’ve used in those text messages. Did you stick to the standard happy faces or did you utilize any of the aftermarket images? You know what? It actually doesn’t matter that much. Did you look at your phone to check your text messages? Do you own a mobile device? Exactly.

Before you get all self-righteous and defensive retorting with shit like: “I’m really low-maintenance, I give back to the community, and I live well within my means” – I said I was an entitled ass as well – calm down. I’ve always wanted to tell someone else to calm down when they’re agitated. I bet that pissed you off; it would have pissed me off. Feel free to submit a formal complaint via email; I promise I won’t read it.  My point is: I don’t slight you for it. In my opinion that’s how we're socialized. With the advent of new technology, so comes the urge for proprietorship. Everyone can relax their ass muscles; this is not a personal attack - I promise I’m going somewhere with this.

I was pretending to work this afternoon and composing one of the many text messages that I do to kill time and re-affirm my value in the lives of those I call friends when I noticed something: there are a shit ton of emoji at my disposal. As I began to scroll through what seemed a never-ending stream of characters, I thought: what is all this fuckery for? When am ever really going to send someone a Mermaid? I loved the movie Splash, but Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks rarely come up in conversation for me and if I’m alluding to tuna - I’ll send the fish or a dolphin because although most tuna is dolphin free; I’m a sinister bitch and that’s how I play. I have the option to send elves from middle earth in my text messages. Why? Why would I need this option? Can I not spell Elves? Can the recipient of my messages not read? I get that it’s supposed to be fun, but I think maybe we’re dumbing it all down just a little too much. Next stop: picture books. Or maybe books and the written work altogether are to be replaced by emoji. New wave hieroglyphics.  We. Are. Fucked.

It occurred to me that as with all things, some asshole somewhere asked for this. Most likely the same genius that thought it would be a great idea to put four meat patties on a burger with bacon and extra cheese - sound logic. Ideas don’t come to fruition without the push for, or calling from a populous. Why? Because we’d most likely just as soon add more meat or bacon to the shit we already have in place. Perhaps a shitty analogy, but I think you get what I’m trying to say. It’s not a medical breakthrough, we’re not reinventing the wheel, and it’s not revolutionizing life as we know it – it’s just making killing time more fun.

Going through all the emoji, one stuck out as missing to me. I noticed one that I personally would like to see added. With a hodgepodge of other useless shit like smiley faces in cowboy hats, a disembodied arm holding a cell phone [I’m not kidding] two or three different types of rice, 4 different wrestling emoji, a hypodermic needle [SMH] and a barber shop pole, I noticed Jesus was missing. I can hear you guys sighing. I’m not a holy-roller but I feel as though if we have a Santa emoji, we need a Jesus; and that’s why I propose the Buddy Christ emoji as seen below. I would most certainly send this emoji on the regular! Got a friend who is feeling a little blue? Buddy Christ to the rescue! Do you have a friend that sometimes engages is behavior that is morally questionable? Every so often you should send that friend Buddy Christ as a reminder that they are loved. Plant the seed and watch that bitch grow!

Since I don’t see the trends changing any time soon and people becoming any more grateful or cognizant of all that they have been blessed with; I am jumping in with both feet. I want Buddy Christ; who do I have to write to make this happen? With the way things are going, if we’re to revert back to pictures as our only means of communication, I foresee a lot of eggplants and peaches. I need a Buddy.