A momentary distraction

My opinions aren’t always popular ones; they often go against the grain in fact. I don’t pay much attention to it, until it’s pointed out to me that I might be being an uncaring twat. I suspect it has little to do with our difference in opinion and more to do with my delivery. I have no plans on changing; this is me. That’s not to say that if you’re a friend and I’ve offended you, I won’t apologize; but if we’re friends – it’s likely you’re laughing along with me.

I’d like to take a moment to distract your attention from the scandal in the news as of late. Let us not think about the icons that are falling like chess pieces. Let’s talk about some shit that confuses me and some shit I think is pretty fucking cool. If you’re not in, stop reading now.

Glitter Lattes: What the fuck is happening here? Who is the genius that decided that putting glitter in my cup of “wake the hell up” was a good idea? Sure, it’s pretty and it sparkles and all the little girls will swoon and wet their little girl panties. Hell, I know some old broads that would buy this shit and spend top dollar doing so too, but I’ll pass - thanks. There is no way in hell that I am spending money to turn my toilet bowl into a disco ball for the indefinite future. *Louis CK* You know the lifespan of a single spec of glitter? You don’t? Ask a stripper. I believe it’s somewhere in the vicinity of 4 months. You do the math on the destruction in a cup of coffee.

Crop Tops: Can someone please tell me *George Takei* when these things made a comeback onto the fashion scene? I’ve noticed a disturbing correlation between crop tops and chokers too. Is there an incentive program in place: buy one get one free? I’d like to ban both for women over a certain age. I won’t body shame by adding a weight limit, but I guess I kinda just did by bringing it up - cat’s outta the bag. I whole-heartedly embrace loving yourself at any size; but I also embrace loving the clothing the loves you back. Crop tops aren’t it. As far as I’m concerned [and I’m clearly an expert] crop tops aren’t a good look on anyone; not even Suzy with the washboard abs *Kevin Spacey* and perfect tits.

I’m fairly certain I said that I was going to talk about some cool shit too and I hate not following through with what I say I’m going to do, so here it comes… Some cool stuff…still searching the data files…

I’ve been blessed with a really mundane existence. Wait for it. One that affords me the ability to take things slowly and enjoy the subtle nuances of life: going for a walk, going for a late night swim, going to many, many concerts and shows *Harvey Weinstein* going to the movies and dinner with friends and the time to write and inflict my suffering on you folks. Recently I went to see the movie Thor: Ragnarok with some friends. I really enjoyed the show, but I realized that I could never be a reviewer of films. 20 mins out of the theater and I had already forgotten it. I blame drugs. Movies aren’t the same for me as music. Music touches me *James Toback* in a way that movies can’t; never has and probably never will – at least not until I finally go deaf and can’t hear the music any more. Even then, I believe I’ll still feel it.

Hopefully I’ve distracted you from all the bullshit in the news *Steven Seagal* and given you an opportunity to start questioning some of the crap that doesn’t make sense to you either. I for one, would still like to know why my vagina is interested in organic cotton tampons. I’d be interested in finding out if the wavy eyebrow trend ever really took off or if it fell flat - and if it really did take off, for fuck sake why? Who are these assholes perpetuating these ridiculous trends? Is it ok to isolate them on their own little island so they don’t infect the rest of the population? If we allow this type of shenanigans to continue we might all end up in fanny packs again. I can’t take that kind of humiliation and my ass too big to ever pull that look off.

In closing: don’t masturbate in front of people that you’re not in a relationship with - even if you’ve asked permission first, don’t show people you’re genitals unless it’s in your job description or you’re in a relationship with that individual and they’ve said “it’s cool” or it’s mutually understood, and try to just be a decent fucking human being. Just a few of my helpful hints on how to maneuver through life without being a miserable sack of shit. Cheers!