So I'm that girl again, the chick at the coffee shop - the one that's too cool to go inside but would rather sit outside with her headphones on and sweat in all kinds of uncomfortable places. My armpits are swampy, behind my knees little pools are collecting and my bra is a kiddie pool. It's cool though, there's plenty of room in there. I have no breasts to speak of; every morning I lament the utter lack of womanly curves and curse the lack of water balloons in my apartment to stuff my bra with. Still, this beats the hell out of going home to an apartment that has been closed all day, is dank as fuck and is thick and heavy with pet odor hanging in the air. 2 cats and 2 guinea pigs, you do the math. It's not gross...if you live there. It's kinda like baby shit; not ideal but it's not like you can or will return the little furry beasts any more than you would hand your baby back to the Dr. and say some shit like "yeah, it's just not my thing." My plan? Wait till it cools down of course. I'm far too frugal to want to go home and run the AC and the odds that I'll see someone I know inside this coffee establishment are astronomically higher than I want to take my chances with currently. Swamp bra, awkward mannerisms and a long day behind a keyboard ensure that any exchanges I have will leave me depressed and you with the full knowledge that we should never speak again. I need a translator. There's the stuff that goes on in my head, the stuff I want to say, the stuff I end up saying and stuff that's better left unsaid; hence the need for a translator. I'll be interviewing for this position some time in the near future. Details to follow...
I came, I saw, I made it awkward. In the 10 minutes I've been sitting here three small groups of people have vacated. Maybe they saw me stick my hands in my pits and smell my fingers to check for personal funk? Superstar! I don't care. Personal hygiene is important. If I stink, believe I am removing myself from wherever I am to tend to business. Nothing is more unattractive than a stinky lady; or man for that matter. You can say what you want about it being "manly" and sexy and maybe there are times when you'd be right, but out in public - like a coffee shop - is not one of those times. I recently went to the gym at my apartment complex and upon entering had to do an immediate about face when I walked into a wall of body odor. Some guy in there was so odiferous my eyes began to bleed and my throat closed up. Maybe I'm slightly exaggerating - only a little bit though. It was harsh. I'm pretty sure my disdain was audible. I have zero control over that kind of shit. Some day I really am going to get my ass handed to me in the worst way. Sidebar: I will also be interviewing for bodyguard positions (plural) some time soon. Details to follow. You will be paid in Goldfish crackers and backhanded compliments, serious inquires only.
Time = killed
I'd ask if your bra has a shallow and a deep end, but then you would spend your whole day listing to one side. Maybe it's all shallow; no you're too deep a thinker for that. ... PACs (public armpit checks) need to be executed discretely. They're right up there with the uncontrollable digital nasal mining (nose pick) and the male equipment adjustment. ... Trouble follows the PAC when you go to the counter ask for the restroom key attached to the "you better return this" plastic clothes hanger they fashioned into a key chain. Spend about 10 minutes in the restroom, water running full blast, moan and/or sing at the top of your lungs. Make the staff uncomfortable; speak in tongues when the assistant manager knocks on the door. Upon exiting, tell the staff the bathroom needs supplies.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened to "inside voices"? It been a tough road to hoe (yes u), but I've almost got my voices conquered. There are doctors for your voices, or just say fuckit, we've always had zero filter and now I find I can not control my facial expressions, so if you can control facial expressions, just nod or shake head. It's better to be silent and let them think you're a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahah. Wait, what were my instructions? Shake head violently if facial expressions are problematic? Yes! Ok! Where do I sign up for this class? The Dr. Has taken all sharp objects away from me and left me with just this crayon, wanna hand me a pen/pencil?
ReplyDeleteRIP time we have known you well.
ReplyDelete