Thursday, July 27, 2017

It's not safe in my head

How many forms of self are there? How many personalities does it take to drive someone crazy? In my experience it really depends on the person. Just how crazy is the dominant personality to begin with? It is also my experience that it takes exactly two personalities to fuck with someone so hard that they pack their shit and exit stage left. I’m pretty certain that there are a boat load of alter egos battling it out in my head like Mad Max, Thunderdome style, but two are holding fort and making sure that the lesser dignified ones stay in the shadows. The ones that pick scabs, laugh at children when they fall, throw sticks at the spokes of passing bicyclists, and spit gum from moving vehicles; these heathens are kept at bay by Christina and Tina. These two ladies are remarkable in their own way (we will discuss them momentarily) and are equally fucked up. Engage at your own risk!




Christina:
Christina can usually be found socializing with small groups of friends. She feels comfortable here. Christina feels like she can blend in and somewhat absorb the color of the group. Not so striking is her glaring awkwardness. For the most part Christina is a rule follower. You won’t catch her hopping lines at BART (Nor Cal Thing) or sneaking into a second movie at the theater. You are more likely to find her talking to stray pets and wayward souls. Christina once brought a homeless man back to her own home; her mother was not amused. She often tries to give away her internal organs to those in need, because….why the fuck not?! They’re just organs, right? Christina spends a lot of time in her head though. Normally this is only a detriment to the person carrying that burden, but Christina is so generous she likes to share! Often, if you are close enough to her, you get questions like “do you think {fill in the blank} meant to say {fill in the blank} or do you think they mean to be hurtful? If they meant to be hurtful, what do you think I should do? Is it passive-aggressive to do this {fill in the mother fucking blank}?” Now – does your head hurt? It should! That shit goes on all the damn time. Bless her heart, she’s real sweet and all, but SUPER insecure. If it weren’t for Tina, the rest of the crew would rip Christina apart and serve her for dinner.

Tina:
Tina is much more calculated than Christina. That shit should scare you. She is still awkward, but doesn’t really care and uses it to her advantage. Where Christina makes mistakes and feels silly, Tina sees opportunity. The birth of “Take that, Bitch,” Tina’s fake webisode dedicated to inflating her ego around her gym experiences has paved the way for countless other fictitious business ventures and provided solid work for a marketing manager and several other underlings. This is her way of giving back to her community – because really, she don’t give a fuck! Tina is often spotted alone in public. She may still reach out to the wayward souls; most likely because that connection is still there - that feeling of being lost and needing to connect. Tina is responsible for ranting. Don’t cross this one, she will cut you! #2 pencils are not permitted when she is PMSing. Have you seen John Wick? In the neck, bro!
In. The. Neck.





Imagine having these two in your head at the same time on any given day. Now, also remove drugs and alcohol. Do not pet or feed the animals… 

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