Going Belly Up

                Back by UN-popular demand, my crappy rantings about the shit that goes on in my mediocre existence. I live to suck up your oxygen and complain while doing it. As some of you know, I attended a concert last night. Of course you know! That was all I talked about for days or you weren’t paying attention. Ok, maybe there were intermittent sprinklings of what I ate for dinner, which muscle groups were sore from gym work outs, and of course shitty cat photos – because I’m “that” girl.

                So this is how it went down…

                I am alone, which is typical these days; I tend to piss people off and honestly my own company is most comfortable because I lack the ability to control my facial expressions and if I’m going to get in a fight, I’d rather no one see me get my ass kicked. I walk into the club like I own it – with my hands tucked in my arm pits, shuffling my feet, staring at the floor and stiff as fuck. AWKWARD!! I’m so freaking cool. I gravitate towards my normal space because it’s like rental property: I consider it mine - I don’t own it, but I’ll be damned if I let anyone else squat there. For reals people, I have let fools bump me, grope me, spill beer on me and generally be douche bags all in the name on NOT losing MY space. Not like myspace and Tom @ Myspace…whatever happened to that dude? Probably making little voodoo dolls of Zuckerberg while watching Single White Female on repeat. I would. Digression… Typically this is when I begin people watching, you know, before the show begins. I need to assess the situation – find out where my true alcoholic friends are, because this is where the show inside the show is going to happen. But then it happened. The fucking Miami Sound Machine walked in.

                Suddenly the crowd parted and in walked this broad in a white summer dress which was cut much too low for her very very weathered torso and this magnificent hot pink bouffant hat complete with white fleur. This bitch had swagger. She didn’t deserve it, but she had it. Lady, it is 90 degrees in here with 80 percent humidity! Your hat could double as a beach umbrella. Are you trying to grow bananas under there, smuggle drugs, or both?? If it’s the latter, how do I get in on the cut? My first thought was that if anyone of her entourage was going to be sick off the countless gin and tonics they were sipping, it would be into that hideous hat they’d heave. Again, I digress. I finally came to realize that the reason for the massive hat was that it occupied area on the floor. Once the rest of her crew showed up she could take it off. Standing room 12 immediately available. One of those people we’ll call Man-Bun, which leads us into our next story….

                A fight broke out to my immediate left when Man-Bun and Computer Programmer Man got into a heated conversation over why talking at a concert was unacceptable. Oh, the irony!!! My hands are still tucked in my arm pits by the way, but now I’m thinking to myself “I wonder if they can smell my sweat?”  Why does it smell like Corn chips in here? Dude! Corn chips sound so good right now. Way better that the onion rings and extra marital affairs that permeated last time. Also, cheese dip and chocolate milk would be great. I don’t know why chocolate milk and cheese dip sound good. Oh yeah, cuz LACTOSE!! Lactose and I have a special relationship but that is an entirely different story and probably better left for a medical blog. FML!!! Computer programmer man is named this because of his pressed chino shorts, perfectly coifed hair and hands that look manicured and softer than mine BTW. Anyhow, these two start going at it Scott Pilgrim vs The World style. I half expect them to chest bump and for gold coins to fall from the sky. But alas they go outside and I am left with their girlfriends. AWKWARD!!!

                Now that I have lost all but one person’s interest, I will say thank you for your attention. There was so much more fuckery that went down, but ain’t no one got the attention for that. These are just the highlights. I will tell you that there are still some good experiences to be had. I’d like to give a very special shout out to Kim. Kim, I’d like to thank you for tucking the tag to my dress back in for me. Good looking out!